Doctors across the nation report spikes in vasectomy-scheduling around this time of year, coincidentally (or, you know, not at all) during the NCAA’s college basketball tournament known as March Madness. Dr. Jesse Mills of the Urology Center of Colorado reports a whopping 50% increase in vasectomies administered during the games.
The procedure itself takes approximately 15 minutes and carries with it a two-day to one-week recovery time during which doctors recommend taking it easy, prescribing strict orders to relax on the couch. A cold drink nearby couldn’t hurt matters, and if there happens to be a major televised basketball tournament going on at the same time? Well, that’s just a slam dunk.
“I think it’s the die-hard basketball fans that have a great reason to sit home and do nothing for those two days that are going to make that uptick a little higher,” Mills said, scientifically.
Quick, how many dead balls can you spot?
Jeremy Stelter is one of the men who recently underwent a vasectomy during March Madness. “Pain wasn’t too bad,” he said. “I’m feeling pretty good right now, but I’m not going to tell my wife or boss that quite yet.” Seems those guys on the court aren’t the only ones faking. Rimshot!
As if laying around the house, shirking work and household responsibilities and watching basketball wasn’t enough, one doctor felt the need to sweeten the deal even further. Dr. John Homa of Urology Associates of Cape Cod has gone so far as to offer a free pizza with each vasectomy.
Sorry to wake you from your halftime nap, but you looked hungry.
That’s right. For roughly $500-$700, patients of Dr. Homa’s can enjoy a sterile future with a pie on the side. A basketball fan himself, Dr. Homa and his business department decided to capitalize on the season with the free pie offer. He indicates that while they generally only schedule five vasectomy consultations per week, since advertising the offer, they’ve scheduled more than 100. This might cause some to think men are undergoing vasectomies for free pizza and the excuse to sit around watching basketball while enjoying it, but that sounds just as preposterous as, I don’t know, A UROLOGIST OFFERING ONE FREE PIZZA PER VASECTOMY. That’s not the case though, according to Dr. Homa. “We’ve mostly been seeing people who’ve thought about getting a vasectomy for quite a while. Patients will often come in for a consultation and then disappear for a year only to come back and finally decide to have it done. The promotion targets the men who are secretly considering it. They’ll see the pizza offer, the March Madness tie-in, and they’ll come in. It’s not like anyone’s going to get a vasectomy just for the pizza.”
Still, I think if I were a guy, I’d find it kind of insulting that a doctor’s office would try to lure me in for a surgical procedure by dangling (pun, in case you missed it) sporting events and free food in my face. I mean, as a woman, am I going to elect to have a hysterectomy under the promise of some time off work and household duties and a margarita?
Maaay be worth an ovary. Throw in some chips and guac and we can discuss the rest.
What do you make of all this? Funny? I suppose some will find this amusing, yes. Brilliant planning on the part of basketball fans who’ve made the decision to end the reproductive stage of their lives? Fine, I’ll give them that. Infuriating as all hell, considering the struggles women are facing concurrently to gain control over their own reproductive health? You bet your barren man-berries it is.
May cause discomfort, blinding rage.
That’s what bothers me most about all this. On one side we have men, free to make decisions about their bodies and reproductive futures and nobody bats an eye. Hell, they get a free meal out of it. On the other side are women, labeled as sluts and subject to congressional hearings held to determine whether we have the right to do the same.
Gives a whole new meaning to the term “March Madness,” doesn’t it?