A few weeks before my wedding way back in 2000 (yes, “The Thong Song” was featured at my reception, WHAT OF IT), I asked my hairstylist to give me blonde highlights. I had never had highlights before, but I wanted my hair to appear lighter in the wedding photos because…I don’t know, it was one of those weird bride-to-be things I’d suddenly decided to care about. My Sassy Gay Hairstylist refused to do it, explaining that “You want to look like yourself on your wedding day and if I give you highlights you never had before, you’ll look like someone else.”
Thank you, Sassy Gay Hairstylist, for saving me from myself and preventing a Very Gosselin Wedding.
His advice really resonated with me, which is why I still remember it nearly twelve years later, and also why I want to quit the human race and move to Mars over the new fad diet that brides-to-be are resorting to in order to quickly lose weight before the big day. No, it’s not Atkins or South Beach or cleanses or good old-fashioned tapeworms, it’s the K-E diet, which has the potential to help you lose up to 20 pounds in ten days. Gee, that already sounds perfectly healthy and reasonable, right? Oh, but just wait until you hear what you get to eat on this diet: NOTHING. NOT A THING. BECAUSE YOU’RE HOOKED UP TO A FEEDING TUBE. FOR TEN DAYS.
Oh, honey! You’re positively glowing.
Yes, this diet is a REAL THING that is ACTUALLY HAPPENING at the hands of ACTUAL DOCTORS. And thank goodness for that! I mean, you can totally tell from the photo above that K-E dieter Jessica Schnaider desperately needs to lose that last ten pounds. What’s with that clavicle? Sure, I can see it, BUT I CAN’T HANG DRY CLEANING FROM IT, so hook yourself up to a feeding tube already and lose an amount of weight that matters to no one but yourself because LORD KNOWS no one will ever love you if you don’t.
And now, the glamorous details of the diet: First, a feeding tube is inserted through the nose and down into the stomach, where a drip of carb-free protein, fat, and water is slowly deposited over the course of the day. You only get about 800 calories day, but it comes with the bonus side effects of bad breath, constipation, and fatigue.
Premarital abstinence has never been easier!
The diet, which costs around $1,500 for a full 10-day course, may sound bizarre to you (AND I HOPE IT DOES, CHRIST), but it’s been around for a while in Europe already. Figures. I mean, first we’re eating all wrong and then we’re parenting all wrong, so it seems natural that it would eventually be revealed that we’re dieting all wrong too. SILLY AMERICANS! Why give your body the nourishment and exercise it needs when you can just jam a tube down your nose and subsist on a bag of protein and fat juice for ten days?!
Oh, you also have to carry the gross fluid bag around with you for the full ten days. I hear the French just store it in their berets.
Jessica (from the photo above) admits that the diet was emotionally difficult for her, what with the NOT EATING and the fielding of constant health-related questions from people assuming you’re dying and whatnot, and she only kept her tubes in for eight days (she’d already lost the desired ten pounds by then). She says she wasn’t hungry while she was on the diet, but that she had no energy to exercise — probably for the best since she was only getting 800 DAMN CALORIES A DAY, but also sad because it indicates that she is typically a healthy, active person who didn’t need to resort to extreme measures to lose a few paltry pounds that will probably come right back the instant she eats a bagel and OMFG THIS STORY GETS ME SO RAGE-Y.
Look, I understand wanting to look good on your wedding day, but try to remember two things: 1) your fiancée loves and wants to marry both you and those extra ten pounds, and 2) you do know that they can alter your dress to fit you at any size, right? Because the one thing I am seeing over and over again in news about the K-E diet is how there is a “real fear” among brides that their wedding gowns will not fit. Can someone please explain that shit to me? Because I seem to remember being fitted for my wedding dress and then trying it on again post-alterations a few weeks before the wedding just in case any adjustments needed to be made, and unless you are planning to gestate a child between the final fitting and your wedding day, I don’t see a reason why any bride should be panicking and starving herself via tubes shoved down her throat. In short,