This week’s Entertainment Weekly is the Summer Movies Edition, which I get butt-psyched for. I’ve actually seen most of the trailers already through one avenue or another, but seeing the entire collection in the pages of one magazine, I must say:
Aside from Total Recall, Ted, and (maybe, because it could suck hard) Savages, not only am I not excited, I’m downright dreading this summer’s slate of movies. Here’s a few I’m predicting to be the worst of the worst.
DARK SHADOWS (May 11)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, The Other Same People Who Get Together on Burton-Depp Films
For two dudes, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp hang out way too much. And I’m not the only one who thinks so; ask Helena Bonham Carter why she insists on being in every one of these movies too: she doesn’t trust her man around Johnny Depp.
I’m starting to feel like my $13 movie ticket is picking up the check on the anual six-month-long party Johnny Depp, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter have every time they make a film. And why can’t they just make a normal movie where Johnny Depp plays a normal person on the planet earth? Why’s he always have to play some strange, pale, androgynous thing with an accent you just can’t place? I feel like I saw Dark Shadows the first time when it was called Sweeney Hollow and the Chocolate Factory.
BATTLESHIP (May 18)
Starring: Liam Neeson (??!!), Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker
Based on the board game? Really? Will it have that scene in it where my little brother runs out of the room crying, accusing me of cheating? Because that’s the only fun part of that game that I remember. It’s based on the board game, because what, it has a boat in it? In that case, why not say Cast Away was based on the popular card game, Solitaire? And Liam Neeson? Wasn’t he a legitimate actor not long ago? A few years back he was getting Oscar nods. Now, he broods through every movie and won’t come within ten miles of a challenging role. So basically, he’s Nicolas Cage? Got it.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING (May 18)
Starring: J-Lo, Cameron Diaz, Elizabeth Banks, Chris Rock
Oh, I know what to expect: J-Lo and Cameron Diaz delivering Meryl Streep-esque performances. Below is a poignant excerpt from the movie where J-Lo explains the bliss of motherhood.
MEN IN BLACK 3 (May 25)
Starring: The Fresh Prince, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin
It’s been 12 years since the last Men in Black movie and here’s something no one’s saying: “Man, when are they going to come out with the next Men in Black movie?” I gotta say, despite this very clever gimmick of using Josh Brolin as a young TLJ (and, from the trailer I saw, he is a dead ringer), I don’t think I care. I just don’t. When the articles you read are more about the guy creating the aliens than the guys killing the aliens, I get scared for all of the wrong reasons.
THAT’S MY BOY (Jun 15)
Starring: Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg
(in my golf voice:) This is very exciting; Adam Sandler is looking to break his own personal record for number of bad movies in a row.
Nobody cares what I think. Adam Sandler pumps out one movie worse than the next and the masses eat it up. But I’m still waiting for a refund and/or an apology for Jack and Jill (never mind Little Nicky, Eight Crazy Nights, and You Don’t Mess With the Douchebag). As for Andy Samberg, he works well in a 2-minute SNL Digital Short. But 90 minutes of his weird facial contortions has “migraine” written all over it.
MAGIC MIKE (Jun 29)
Starring: Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey
Speaking of 90 minutes of something I don’t want to see. How about 90 minutes of Channing Tatum stripping on – what’s that? You love that idea? How do you preorder tickets? Gross. Ladies, you’ll probably like this too… don’t say I never did anything for you.
G.I. JOE RETALIATION (Jun 29)
Starring: The Rock, Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum
I would rather face the Rock in the ring than see his face in a movie. No, seriously, I would rather take the People’s Elbow to my dome piece than sit through a Dwayne Johnson joint. But this one has Bruce Willis in it! Great, I’ll set the flux capictor to 1992, back when anyone gave a crap.
SPARKLE (Aug 17)
Starring: Whitney Houston and Jordin Sparks
What are the chances Whitney Houston’s last film will be her first good one? Slim to none, especially in this poor man’s version of Dreamgirls (and Dreamgirls wasn’t awesome to start with). So, you’ve subbed out Beyonce for an older, less sexy Whitney Houston; Jennifer Hudson for a less talented AI alumna, Jordin Sparks; Eddie Murphy for a less famous and funny Mike Epps; and Jamie Foxx for… wait, who’s supposed to be the star that’s going to put butts in the seats for this one? Cee-Lo? Filing this one in the “never needed to be remade” movie folder.
It looks like the summer is going to be hot and dry this year; here’s to hoping that Hollywood is saving the good ones for fall.