Is it just me and my paranoid uterus, or does it seem like EVERYONE is pregnant these days? I have nearly 10 friends that have either very recently given birth or are expecting in the coming months. And Hollywood seems to be on the same sexytime wavelength, as well, with a huge crop of pregnant celebrities. Anyone else nervous that there’s some sort of Big-Brother-Knock-Em-All-Up-And-Rule-The-World scenario going on? No? Just me?
My anthropomorphized ovaries get a little panicky when they see so many women IN CLOSE PROXIMITY sprouting baby bumps. You’ve heard of menstrual cycles getting in sync, right? Who’s to say it stops there? (I mean, OTHER than freakin’ medical scientists.) The idea of having another baby is sometimes enticing, but then I realize my hormones are trying to control my brain again, and that I much prefer sleep to the proliferation of human life.
ANYway, I also kind of imagine the badass little fetuses prepping themselves for a world of luxury in utero (don’t worry; I see a therapist) . Sometimes I also picture them riding on unicorns, but that’s besides the point. Let’s just have a look at how these celebrity offspring rank before they have the advantage of Gucci shoes and hipster teething rings, mkay?
Vanessa Lachey vs Snooki
Baby Lachey: Vanessa Lachey, second wife of Nick Lachey, seems like a wholesome girl, but I have a feeling she’s got a darker side. One that holds some resentment for Jessica Simpson for essentially making her husband THE MAN THAT MARRIED THAT IDIOT years ago. This will no doubt transfer to Baby Lachey, and I bet that kid comes out a’hollerin’ with an axe to grind. Maybe even a mohawk.
Baby Snooks: We all know this poor child is screwed, so let’s not even disgrace the poor bastard any further by suggesting, for example, that it will be born with skin twenty shades lighter than that of its parents.
Winner: Baby Lachey in a landslide!
Melissa Joan Hart vs Neve Campbell
Baby Hart: Exhibit A–mom is wearing a tiara for her birthday. Exhibit B–she isn’t *actually* a witch or a teenager any longer. So far, this kid has two strikes.
Baby Campbell: Look at the way this baby’s mother walks with such style and grace while simultaneously clutching a doggy leash and dog poop baggies. It almost distracts us completely from the aviator sunglasses.
Winner: Baby Campbell, by Wild Things default.
Alyson Hannigan vs Molly Sims
Baby Hannigan: This baby would be the brother or sister to Alyson’s first child, Satyana. And as much as I love Hannigan, her red hair, and that amazing dress, her predilection to give her children names that are anagrams for Satan, ya? concerns me.
Baby Sims: Unfortunately, Baby Sims was disqualified by reason of her mother’s insanity for wearing that godforsaken dress.
Winner: Baby Hannigan takes it in a DQ.
Kourtney Kardashian vs Uma Thurman
Baby Kardashian: Listen, as much as we love to hate on the Kardashians, there is something inexplicably alluring about Kourtney’s confident indifference to the entire world, save her wardrobe. And I hear that this type of narcissism is one of the key ingredients to the making of an evil dictator.
Baby Thurman: If this baby doesn’t come out of Uma’s womb wearing his mother’s Pulp Fiction wig, I’ll be disappointed. He or she will also need to overcome that godawful David-Letterman-Uma-Oprah history, so the odds are already kind of stacked.
Sienna Miller vs Drew Barrymore
Baby Miller: Does anyone even know who the father of this child is? Regardless, I think there is a good probability that the infant will join a Gypsy jug band within a few years of its birth. I have a feeling it will also take after its mother in regards to public nudity by means of inappropriate dress. So that should be worrysome.
Baby Barrymore: This baby is going to be 50% punk rock and 50% emotional instability, and, depending on the father’s genetic contribution, possibly have horrible taste in sweaters.
Winner: Please. These babies are TOTES gonna be BFFs.
Anna Paquin vs Tori Spelling
Baby Paquin: Listen, I cant lie to you guys. I’m kind of terrified of Anna Paquin and her husband. They look like Volturi, and I’m half convinced they are going to strike on the red carpet one day when we least expect it. We can only deduce, therefore, what it means for their child. Hopefully they don’t name it something ridiculous like Reneseme.
Baby Spelling: Tori and her family are certainly pretty to look at, but they aren’t werewolves, which can only mean one thing.
Winner: Baby Paquin in a battle to the death.
Reese Witherspoon vs Kristin Cavallari
Baby Witherspoon: Reese seems to be America’s sweetheart, which makes about as much sense to me as those of you who use margarine instead of real butter. WHY? Her kid is bound to be cute, but I’m not sure it’ll be able to cut it in the Hollywood crowd.
Baby Cavallari: Baby C, on the other hand, has a higher probability of becoming a trainwreck with fashionable pants.
Winner: Baby Cavallari based on established drug resistance. (HEY, DON’T BLAME ME.)
Megan Fox vs Sarah Michelle Gellar
Baby Fox: Megan is making headlines for shutting down an interview last week when asked if she was expecting, which is bound to give the offspring some sort of identity crisis at about age 7 months.
Baby Gellar: Baby Gellar, on the other hand, has to deal with the issue of his father’s unfortunate family name.
Winner: Baby Fox, by forfeiture.
And there you have a glimpse into the uterine workings of fertile Hollywood. (And, by extension, a look at my undermedicated, motherhood-PTSD brain.)