The Hollywood baby boom continues unabated. While Jessica Simpson cuddles week-old baby girl, Maxwell, and gushes about her on-line shopping sprees, “Avengers” star Chris Hemsworth and his wife, Elsa Pataky, welcomed their first baby on Friday, a girl named India Rose. But Mother’s Day is over and so ends our need to play completely nice about mommies and daddies. After all, there are some stars couples out there who would do us all a favor if they didn’t jump right on the baby train.
Twilight sweethearts Kirsten Stewart and Robert Pattinson win first-prize for their joint ability to “act” an entire five-movie saga without once changing their facial expressions. We will give them too-cool-for-school boredom, they both have that one nailed. Imagine the difficulties they would have if they spawned an expressionless little clone. Is it happy? Is it sad? WHY IS IT MUMBLING? Kirsten has been traveling the world promoting her new movie Snow White and the Huntsman, in which we all hope to see her patented bored-but-terrified-moping again. She and co-star, new daddy Hemsworth, are both in London this weekend for the movie’s May 14 premiere. Rob arrived shortly after Kirsten so that they could celebrate his 26th birthday on Sunday with a romantic dinner, during which they undoubtedly communicated by moving only their eyebrows. Enjoy, lovebirds—just use birth control.
Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson. Hot DAMN that girl can rock a dress. But, please, please spare the world an heir to their vapid blathering and giggling. The kid’s first words would be, “Well,” (lip purse) “I am a model’s baby.” Consider this as well: the child might get Ben’s hair genes. Just say no.
And now I admit that I am old. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are too young to have children, possibly forever. I just can’t. Watching JB attempt sexy in his music videos is like watching my five-year-old son try to exude sex appeal. I want to sit him down and do a quick sex education recap. It’s wrong. New rule: To have a celebrity baby you can not look pre-pubescent. Look how sweet she is. They’re still babies. If only I made the rules. I could prevent a lot of mistakes.
Does the whole world give a collective shudder at the thought of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making babies or is that just me? Rumors buzz constantly that Katie is expecting a little sister for six-year-old Suri, but so far her rep denies the claims. We can’t handle another mini-me, Katie. Besides, aren’t the aliens due to land and take the believers away any day now? What if there isn’t room in the space ship?
Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi can not have a child because the cool scale of the universe would explode and I’m pretty sure the poor little thing would implode on itself. There’s a limit to the amount of funny and trendy and lovely the collective conscious of the public can handle. It’s not fair to us.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are also forbidden to spawn. Mila calls dating rumors absurd, but the two spent a long weekend together recently. Date away. Be friends with benefits. We don’t care. Can they just not procreate? They’re too hot. The baby would probably be stolen by fairies because it will be so freaking pretty. Besides, I don’t like change. They are teenagers on That 70s Show and they must stay that way.
Oprah. Too rich. At some point, the tax laws forbid further offspring and force the wealth back into general circulation, right? No one does rich like Oprah does rich; she simply can not ruin this with a little bundle of joy. Someone in the world has to have a closet the size of Manhattan and a $20,000 manicurist. That someone is Oprah. If I had decided to be a mega-billionaire without children, I would totally have gone the Oprah route.
Dear Prince William and Kate,
Don’t do it. I mean, do it if you like, but don’t give in to the collective pressure of the entire universe. Something in you has got to want to tell us all to go to bloody hell. You don’t have to have a baby if you don’t want to. You are rich and powerful and pretty. Play polo.