She worked hard for the money. RIP, Donna.
Wow, so musicians are dropping left and right, huh? Since MCA died almost three weeks ago, the music scene lost Donna Summers, Chuck Brown (if you live outside of DC, don’t ask), and the fireman from the Village People. Wait…hold please… sorry, Google is telling me it was the guy from the Bee Gees. My mistake. Either way, the music landscape looks exactly the same as it did the day after MCA died. Not the point of my post.
Every time a “celebrity” dies, my thought process goes exactly the same way:
Thought 1: “Wow, BLANK BLANK died? Crazy.”
Thought 2: “God, I miss Patrick Swayze.”
Thought 3: “Who’s next?”
Ditto, Brother.
Next to beer pong and X-Box Kinnect tennis, speculating on which celebrity will kick the bucket is the most awesome game to play.
The scoring system is easy. There’s four categories. Each is assigned a numerical value. When a person from that category dies, you get that number of points. Pick wisely, keep your own score, and let’s reconvene at the end of the year.
The draft begins now.
CATEGORY 1 – ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE: 1 Point
The “uh-duh’s” on your squad. These folks are like drafting kickers in your fantasy football league. You need them to fill out your roster, but they’re not single-handedly going to carry you into the playoffs. (think Dick Clark in 2012)
Betty White, 90 – The fact that Rose still walks the earth while Blanche is no longer with us is one of God’s most fascinating mysteries. Watching Betty White on television is like watching a toddler learn to walk; you just hold your breath and pray they don’t fall.
One point for St. Olaf's finest.
Bob Barker, 88 – If you think Bob is going to spin the wheel and land on 100, you’ll never make it to the Showcase Showdown. He’s got some wonderful parting gifts waiting for him in the back.
Robert Duvall, 81 – Robert Duvall is more liver spot than man at this point. Very safe pick in, say, the fourth round.
Clint Eastwood, 81 – Clint Eastwood is one of the baddest men to ever walk the earth. But not even the High Planes Drifter could cheat the grim reaper forever. Sure, Clint has saved himself some energy by only whispering for the past eleven years, but we’ve all been quietly preparing ever since Paul Newman died.
Keith Richards, 68 – Yes, I understand it looks like he already died. But the Stones great guitar man is still barely very much with us. For 50 years, he’s treated his body the way my new puppy treats our living room rug. A half century of that? It’s just a matter of time.
I hope to look that good when I'm 130.
CATEGORY 2 - HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOOK WELL: 10 Points
These are people you weren’t thinking about, but when they drop, your first thought is, “yeah, I can see that.” (think Michael Jackson in 2009)
Donald Sutherland, 76 – Donald Sutherland will have to cease being in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE on earth some day. I think that day is closer than you think.
Dick Cheney, 71 – There’s two ways to look at this one. Option A: He’s a 71-year-old man who’s suffered five heart attacks, just received a heart transplant, and is karma’s arch nemesis, or Option B: He’s the Devil incarnate and cannot die. Second thought, Dick Chaney is ineligible for the draft.
Heart attack? But you don't have a...
Jack Nicholson, 75 – Yeah, Jack Nicholson is 75-years-old. I think we all thought (at the very least, to ourselves) that he was too old to play the Joker… and that was 23 years ago.
Paul McCartney, 69 (uh huh huh) – The same way there’s only one Golden Girl left, there’s gonna be just one Beatle left. So, is it gonna be Paul or Ringo? Also like the Golden Girls, I think we’re gonna be stuck with the one nobody wanted.
Andy Dick, 46 – Not only would I draft Andy Dick, I’ll go so far as to predict how it’s gonna happen: suicide. Below is a video they’ll play at the funeral honoring the life of Andy Dick.
CATEGORY 3 – I JUST SAW HIM LAST WEEK!!! 20 Points
This is the “nothing is impossible” category. It probably won’t happen, but they’re also not launching any major investigations if it does. (think Kurt Cobain in 1994)
John Goodman, 59 – Here’s my impersonation of John Goodman’s physician: “Look, John, I’m not gonna tell you anything you don’t already know.” I’ve had Dan Connor in that Belushi/Farley/John Candy camp for years.
Michael J. Fox, 50 – Oh, stop it. Wipe that indignant look off of your face. Listen, nobody loves Michael J. more than me, and I know Parkinson’s isn’t fatal, but how do you not worry about him? He says things like “it’s the gift that keeps on taking,” and I’m not allowed to emotionally distance myself in preparation? Hypocrites.
Robert Downey Jr., 47 – In AA, they say it’s only your last drink until your next drink. With the help of a kick-ass publicist, RDJ has made you forget that he entered a stranger’s home and climbed into their bed. If/when he relapses, he’s gonna relapse hard.
Charlie Sheen, 46 – A year ago, Charlie Sheen was in the “One Foot in the Grave” category. He’s been downgraded, but 20 bucks says he still goes before his old man.
Lindsay Lohan, 26 – You’re telling me this would be more shocking than Whitney Houston?
Lohan reacts after hearing she is selected in the first round of the celebrity death pool draft.
CATEGORY 4 – THIS IS AN EFFING TRAGEDY: 50 Points
Whoa, I didn’t see that one coming. (think Heath Ledger in 2008)
Michael Phelps, 26 – But Michael Phelps is the picture of health! Why would he die? That’s the whole idea of this category.
Mark Zuckerberg, 28 – Can you imagine? Right after he makes his first billion-trillion-vigitillion dollars, he dies?
Earl The Butcher And Mark Zuckerberg have one thing in common: Category 4.
Earl the Butcher, 34 – So young, marginally talented. It would rock the blogging world for moments to come.
Tupac Shakur, 41 – What if they found out he actually was still alive, and then just a short time after the news of his resurfacing broke, he died for real? That would be tragic!
Jeremy Renner, 41 – He’s finally breaking through to leading man status and then… a bus. Oof.
*********
I would love other nominees for the official draft. If you have any thoughts regarding glaring omissions, think someone has been placed in the wrong category, etc., PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t keep that bottled up inside. Leave a comment!
TOP POSTS
About Earl The Butcher
