THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU! Julianne Moore has been cast in the gritty reboot of Carrie, playing Mrs. White. Chloe Moretz—who is contractually obligated to play every awkward-but-pretty teenager in every movie until she turns 18—will play the title character. I have to say, I’m looking forward to this. Brian de Palma’s movie is a classic, but have you watched it recently? It didn’t age well. Plus, Carrie is my all-time favorite Stephen King novel.
Lady Gaga is touring Asia, but it looks like she won’t be stopping in Indonesia. Muslim protest groups like the Islamic Defenders Front threatened violent protests of her presence in Jakarta for her June 3rd tour stop and, in fear of the inevitable riots, local law enforcement requested that the government deny her permit request. Gaga would have played to a sold-out, 52,000-seat stadium. This is not the first time Gaga has encountered adversity on this tour leg – her stop in South Korea was also met with large demonstrations from opposition groups who called her performances pornographic.
Butt-rocker/VH1 reality star/probable venereal disease vector Bret Michaels had everything but a good time at the 2009 Tony Awards when a piece of descending scenery swatted him as he exited the stage. Michaels sued the awards show organizers and CBS Broadcasting for damages, having sustained injuries including a busted lip and fractured nose; he also claims that the brain hemorrhage that nearly killed him 10 months later resulted from his injuries in this incident. Reportedly Michaels and the defendants reached an undisclosed settlement through mediation yesterday. I guess every thorn has its rose.
Howard Stern managed to get through two hours of “talent” acts last night without saying or doing anything even remotely controversial. So maybe you can untwist your panties, Parents Television Council. During the premiere, viewers got a four-minute sneak peak at The Amazing Spider-Man, which basically revealed only slightly more than the trailer I saw before The Avengers, so whatever. The only thing I found noteworthy is that they touted it as the most heavily anticipated summer movie. They think people care more about Spidey than Batman? Bitches, please.
New mom Jessica Simpson is launching her own line of maternity clothes with a 70s vibe, which she assures will be “very flattering to your baby bump.” Girl, if they’re as cute as your shoes, I’m sold. (Hey, we can’t all afford Louboutins).
So, 30 Rock and Community were both only renewed for 13-episode seasons next year, which signaled to most of the world that they’d be wrapping both series after those abbreviated runs. However, NBC execs backpedaled on that, saying that “the audience gets a vote,” and if ratings improve they may get upped to full seasons. Personally, I think it’s time to put 30 Rock to bed, and I say that as a long-time devoted watcher, Tina Fey uber fan, and Alec Baldwin apologist. Community, on the other hand, is not done being hilarious. I think it’s time to start a letter-writing campaign, folks.
Meanwhile at the CW, Sarah Michelle Gellar is going to have an extended maternity leave, since the network canceled her show. I’m not gonna lie, I’m kinda bummed but completely unsurprised. It was an awful show, truly, but it was a guilty pleasure I looked forward to, along with The Secret Circle, which also got the ax. What am I supposed to do now, CW, read books? Watch something appropriate for my IQ and age demographic?
Finally, this is the best thing that will happen to you all day: kids recreating the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” video. This alone is justification for having moar babies.