Hi guys. Today I realized something important: I am the self-appointed official internet spokesperson for LEAVING JESSICA SIMPSON ALONE.
First, I would like to take a moment to go over some basics. You see, when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, sometimes they decide that it is time to, you know, hug naked. Every once in a while, after naked hugs have been had, a tiny little thing called a sperm wanders around the lady’s insides (you know, whatever) until it finds an EGG. It then fertilizes that egg, and the egg implants itself in the lady’s uterus (Or GESTATION SUITE, in Hollywood terms). And then a bunch of sciency stuff happens and turns that sperm/egg union into a zygote/fetus/baby/etc. Here is the thing about this gestation situation: The little creature your body is growing? It needs nourishment. And it is depending on YOU. YOU have to feed it. “Oh no!” One might ask, “How on earth do I feed this strange being that lives inside my own body?!” This is where it gets tricky, everyone, so try to stay with me here:
You eat food. You eat MORE food than you normally would, because technically at this point you are more than one person. I KNOW, RIGHT? CRAZY.
Hey, were you guys wondering what Twitter had to say about the birth of known human being Jessica Simpson’s human daughter? They were ULTRA supportive, as usual.
YES, I KNOW Jessica Simpson gained a lot of weight. But consider this: Your weight does not have anything to do with your value as a person in this world. Whoa, right? Are you a fat person? CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE AS DESERVING AS RESPECT AS ANYONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET. Are you a skinny person? HEY, YOU WIN RESPECT, TOO! YAY! I mean. That’s common knowledge, right guys? Guys??
YES, I KNOW that it seems like she was pregnant forever, but she is 5’3″, which means that she started showing approximately 72 hours after conception.
YES, I KNOW she named the poor baby “Max Johnson.” YES, that is unfortunate. YES, she’s probably going to hate it. YES, it’s a boys name and also a euphamism for a large penis. But at least she didn’t name her after a small penis, which is something that your misogyny, self loathing, and need to constantly prove yourself makes me feel might be a subject you are very familiar with. PS, Tucker Max, you’re a jerk and I don’t like you.
Notice anything about these tweets? Like, how they’re all men? Check out Twitter: 90% of the tweets making fun of Jessica Simpson’s body are from men. Men, who don’t get pregnant. Men, who don’t have to give birth and nurse babies. Men, who maybe NEXT TIME–before they tell jokes (and yes, I know they are jokes) about a stranger’s weight and living, human baby–might want to try to analyze their need to shame a woman for something that has nothing to do with them before they open their big, man mouths.
And to YOU, Jessica. I loved pregnant you. I loved giggly, oversharing, big-bellied, pretty pregnant you. And Max is a cute name for a girl. I am super sorry that “Johnson” does mean penis. Hormones make us do crazy things sometimes. Hey. At least you didn’t name her after fruit.