It’s STAR WARS DAY!
I learned everything I needed to know by watching hundreds of movies, but there is one movie that stands above the rest: Star Wars.
Okay, well, Star Wars is actually three movies. OKAY, actually, there are six, but no one acknowledges the prequels. No one. Let that be a lesson for your children: we don’t believe in the prequels.
Also? Han shot first.
Don’t drop your head in disdain at my life education via the silver screen! There are no lessons that latchkey and non-latched children cannot learn by watching classic movies.
- Quote: “Don’t cross the streams!”
- Lesson: Be wise about touching genitals with another person.
A League Of Their Own
- Quote: “How about Marla Hooch? What a hitter!”
- Lesson: Everyone’s got something going for them.
- Quote: “Boo, you whore.”
- Lesson: You can use Mean Girls quotes in literally any conversation you will ever have.
And as classic and life-affirming as these lessons are, you just can’t beat the magic, imagination, wonder and Wookie that Star Wars brings. Everything your child needs to know can be learned from Star Wars. You can help them remember, and seem impossibly cool, by quoting the lines frequently.
- Quote: “I find your lack of faith…disturbing.”
- Lesson: Kids, you have to have faith in yourself, your skills, and in your values. Life is difficult, and if you don’t think to yourself, “Hey, I’m gonna be okay even though right now is really tough,” you’ll never make it. After all, if you don’t believe in yourself, then who will?
- Parent Tip: If your kid still has trouble with self-esteem, follow up with, “BUT YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!”
- Quote: “It’s a trap!”
- Lesson: It’s a trap!
- Parent Tip: Utilize this one as often as possible. Serve them pancakes: IT’S A TRAP. Ask them to finish chores: IT’S A TRAP. Ask you for money for clothes: IT’S A TRAP. It’s just really super fun to say.
Leia And Han Solo
- Quote: “I love you!” “I know”
- Lesson: Sometimes, words are not enough to convey the true emotion of the situation. Sometimes, acts of self-sacrifice speak much louder than anything you could say.
- Parent Tip: Do not say this to your kids when they say, “I love you.” That makes you a terrible parent.
- Quote: “When 900 years old, you reach… Look as good, you will not.”
- Lesson: Looks aren’t everything; it’s wisdom that really counts. Encourage your kids to study hard, to work hard, to play hard. Whatever they want in life, they should go after with all the fortitude of the Jedi in protecting the galaxy.
- Parent Tip: Don’t try to pull this one off in Yoda’s voice, but do use it when your kid asks why Nana’s face looks like the oatmeal that you left on the stove for 45 minutes by accident last week.
- Quote: “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.”
- Lesson: Take pride in your accomplishments, but don’t let them go to your head. Yes, Luke did take out some tie-fighters, but he still had the Empire to fight. Pat yourself on the back, say thank you, then duck your head and get back to work.
- Parent Tip: It’s another quote that you can use pretty much anytime you want. “I made you something, Mommy!” GREAT KID, DON’T GET COCKY. ”Dad, I got an A!” GREAT KID, DON’T GET COCKY. “I won an Oscar, a Nobel Prize, a Pulitzer, and I married Emma Stone!” GREAT KID, DON’T GET COCKY.
Han Solo is the best character ever. Also, he’s gorgeous.
- Quote: “Either shut him up or shut him down!”
- Lesson: C-3PO just will not shut up some times. Luke was given a choice, he could either shut his friend up, or he could turn him off. Your kid has the same choice in a lot of situations: church, the store, mama’s cocktail time. Your kid should learn to never miss an opportunity to shut up, they never know what they’re missing.
- Parent Tip: This sounds so much cooler than, “For the love of the Empire, just let me pee in peace.”
- Quote: “May the Force be with you.”
- Lesson: I will always be with you. Your parents, your friends, your family live in your heart. They protect you and defend you, they help you stand strong when no one else is around you. You are never alone.
- Parent Tip: Now that you know what it stands for, try not to cry when you say it.