Best part of The Avengers? When The Black Widow needed rescuing. WAIT – that didn’t happen. She didn’t need rescuing.
I sat there wearing 3D glasses next to my boys, silently fist pumping as Scar-Jo kicked her badass ways through numerous villains.
Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow
Her superpowers are not so evident in the film. The official line is, “The Black Widow has received Government treatments which have slowed her aging, augmented her immune system and enhanced her physical durability.” (Just like … a Hollywood celebrity!)
The Widow’s toughness is refreshing, in a tireless age of damsels in distress. Remember the last line of Pretty Woman, with Richard Gere standing on the fire escape asking what happens after the prince rescues the princess?
Julia smiles. “She rescues him right back.” (Then they kiss and go on to have a completely functional relationship where he is *totally* fine with her prostitute past.)
Young girls need to know that we do NOT always need saving. There are actually plenty of chick superheroes—so why do the guys get all the glory?
Behold!
She-Hulk. And She-Hulk's Thighs.
My four-year old son’s brains exploded this week when I introduced him to the green wonder of She-Hulk. After being a strict Incredible Hulk fan for his entire life, he was silenced when it came to realising there was a female counterpart. Worried at first, until I reassured him that, yes, the REAL Hulk is still there. She-Hulk’s name is Jennifer Walters. She once tried to seduce The Thing, and she is a friend of Spider-Man. She-Hulk got her superpowers after receiving a blood transfusion from her cousin, Dr. Bruce Banner. Makes perfect sense!
The Retro Saturn Girl
Meet Saturn Girl. She’s from Saturn, and is ranked 50th in the official 100 Sexiest Women in Comics List. Her ”Saturnic power of hypnotism” can completely block the senses of most earthlings, making trained Saturnians invisible and inaudible. Saturn Girl can summon people from faraway places using only her mind. She can also manipulate and read thoughts. You know—like we regular women can do.
Comic writer Geoff Johns professes his love for Saturn Girl.
“She is the heart and soul of the Legion of Super-Heroes. When everybody’s saying, ‘Legion doesn’t work anymore. There’s too much xenophobia. You can’t change people,’ Saturn Girl says, ‘Yes, you can.’ She can read people’s minds. She knows everyone’s deepest darkest secrets. If she has faith, then at the base level, human beings and aliens and everybody can reach that goal, can reach achievement and have that goodness inside them. I believe her. I’m with her. And that’s why Saturn Girl is so important to the Legion. She’s at the epicention of truth for the entire universe for me.”
Girlchat with Zatanna and Catwoman
Zatanna is a stage illusionist and magician, just like her father. She accidentally finds out that her superpowers are…female sorcery. SUCH a coincidence! Zatanna is just a regular performer, unaware of her superpowers. Steadily developing a “close friendship” with Bruce Wayne, she realises her main powers are casting spells by speaking verbal commands backwards. However, Zatanna loses points in the Female Superhero stakes for regularly getting tied up and gagged by villains who are aware of the importance of her voice.
In conclusion, all female superheros must meet the following criteria:
1. Skin tight costume
2. Big breasts
3. Saucy minx tendencies
4. Bondage overtones
5. A “close friendship” with one of the big male superheroes. Sometimes even a love triangle.
6. Big breasts
Special mention to the best and most kick-ass girl superhero of the past twenty years: Uma Thurman as Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill. She’s not cartoon. She doesn’t even have big boobs or any superpowers. She just kicks SERIOUS GIRL ASS.
Surely it’s a rule that any woman who can punch her way out of a coffin is completely deserving to wear a cape?
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