One Million Moms, America’s least successful hate group, needs you to know something. Ready? THE GAYS ARE COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH THEIR COMIC BOOKS!!!
IS THIS REAL LIFE?!
That’s right! One Million Moms, current Facebook membership 47,340 (which, by my math, is 952,660 less than one million), is up in arms after two of the world’s biggest comic publishers, Marvel and DC Comics, have announced upcoming story lines involving gay characters at pretty much the same time. First up, DC comics has announced that one of their “major” characters will soon be coming out as gay. Right now, no one knows which character this could be, but speculation has run rampant from Batman to Wonder Woman to lesser known characters; DC is not naming any names until the story goes to print.
My money’s on Captain Marvel since “SHAZAM!” could be said in the most sassiest of fashions.
Next up, Marvel Comics will have the medium’s very first gay marriage on June 27th, when Northstar—a member of a little known group called the X-Men—marries his long-time partner. The story has been in the works since gay marriage became legal in New York state and is now finally coming around on the heels of such landmark events on the subject like the vote against it in North Carolina and President Obama’s recent support of gay marriage.
Reason #5,238 why gay marriage is a good thing: look what it can do for the economy!!! You think a service like this was cheap?!
So, naturally, One Million Moms, the Washington Generals of activist groups, is the first to stand up on their chairs, log on to the internet, and shriek, “WON’T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!” You may remember One Million Moms from their failed boycott of JC Penney when the department store chain announced Ellen DeGeneres (who, IMHO, is the most watchable person on daytime TV) as their new spokesperson, or from their failed boycott of Archie Comics, which also featured a gay wedding—and completely sold out. Unfortunately for everyone on the planet with a heart, for every unmitigated failure, One Million Moms just gets that much more insufferable.
That Mr. Witherspoon wears too many pastel colors for my liking.
In a statement that may cause some unexpected testing of all of our collective gag reflexes, One Million Moms, aka 47,340 Moms Against Everything, claims the following:
“Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, “I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?”
This is ridiculous! Why do adult gay men need comic superheroes as role models? They don’t but do want to indoctrinate impressionable young minds by placing these gay characters on pedestals in a positive light. These companies are heavily influencing our youth by using children’s superheroes to desensitize and brainwash them in thinking that a gay lifestyle choice is normal and desirable. As Christians, we know that homosexuality is a sin (Romans 1:26-27).
Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to homosexuality at an early age. Comic books would be one of the last places a parent would expect their child to be confronted with homosexual topics that are too complicated for them to understand. Children do not know what straight, homosexual, or coming out of the closet even means, but DC Comics and Marvel are using superheroes to confuse them on this topic to raise questions and awareness of an alternative lifestyle choice.”
Jesus “don’t but do want” for these ladies to just follow his motherf@^%&ing Golden Rule and calm down.
So here we all are, the age-old stumbling block of trying to talk people out of their old hatreds as they lose their marbles over fictional characters trying to mirror where we currently are as a society. Now, we here at MamaPop try to focus on pop culture and how it relates to parents and I could go on and on for FAR too long on how hating people is against everything the Bible stands for, how the Bible also claims all sorts of other things (tattoos, eating shellfish, sex before marriage, etc.) are sins, how ridiculous it is to decide to only take certain things the Bible says as literal commands but ignore the ones that contradict what you do in your life, how gay marriage affects straight marriage (it doesn’t) and what exactly Jesus, the figure all of these groups stand behind, said about homosexuality (turns out the man said NOTHING), but there isn’t enough time and, any minute now, J-Woww could get knocked up and there are too many jokes we could make about that. So, I’ll stick to the pop culture side of things and talk about comics.
OH GOD! WHY AREN’T THESE BAGGED AND BOARDED?!
So, One Million Moms, a group of ladies aspiring to be Fred Phelps, please, PLEASE follow me on these five following points about comics and what you think they are doing to “the children”:
1) Unfortunately, and I’m getting the saddest point out of the way first, kids don’t read comics like they used to. Comic books are an old kids’ game. They can be an expensive hobby, so kids are getting into superheros more and more these days through movies and cartoons and less and less through the funny books. So comics are not as much of an influence on kids as you think they are. Believe me, I truly wish they were, but a kid these days learns more about Spider-Man through licensed party favors than through the actual reading of comics any more.
2) Northstar, this upstart superhero whom you think your sons are going to want to be gay-married to, has been gay since 1992. He was the first openly gay character in superhero comics and that was 20 years ago. So, you are protesting nothing new. We’ve been following and rooting for Northstar for a long time, he’s been on two different superhero teams, and he has yet to completely ruin the sexual identity of about two generations of kids, so calm down.
3) “Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.” Please keep that in mind whenever you decide that you need to make a point that is fueled entirely by hate while using the name “Mom”, the most powerful identity I can think of. You know where I got that opening quote from? A comic book.
4) Comic books have, for years, dealt with the following topics: violence, genocide, drug abuse, bullying, domestic abuse, heartbreak, death, loss, sorrow, war, politics, corruption, etc. But gay marriage is what you finally feel is far too much for young minds to deal with? To paraphrase the very wise Louis CK: two people who are in love can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your kid for five minutes?!
5) I’ve been a comic-book-reading kid for a looong time. A lot of how I shaped who I am as a man and as a father has come from comics. So, I feel I need to lay out the horrifying moral views that comic books have “brainwashed” me with throughout the years. Twelve years of Catholic school can barely compare to the life lessons I learned while wrapped up in a comic book, which include but are not limited to:
- Do not ever be a bully.
- With great power comes great responsibility.
- Drug abuse can only lead to destruction.
- Racial and gender bias have no place in the world.
- You are nothing if you can’t stand up for the little guy.
- Doing what’s right is far more powerful than doing what’s easy.
- Your parents are the people who love you the most, not necessarily where you come from biologically.
- Love, above all else, is the greatest power of all.
- Respect your elders.
- Hate is easy. Hate is the way of the coward.
- Hostess Fruit Pies are the greatest snack of all time.
Wiser words have never been spoken.
I could go on and on. So, One Million Moms, a certified hate group according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, I beg you: just be Moms. Talk to your kids. Be there for them when they’re confused or they have questions. Don’t teach them that they need to hate anyone who doesn’t fit into your worldview. Don’t assume that any form of pop culture, which is primarily just a reflection of regular old culture, is inherently evil and will warp your kids. JUST BE MOMS. Love. Patience. Guidance. Kindness. That’s all you need to know. You’ll find that hate is a waste of time while you’re busy with all of that other good stuff. Until then, I look forward to watching Northstar get married. And then, moments later, I promise you the Earth will keep on revolving, your kids will be no worse for the wear, and all of the time you spent spreading fear and hate under the false name “Mom” will have been in vain.
End rant.
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About Joe Lyons
