You know the old saying: If you love something, set it free.
Although for the purposes of this post, I would like to amend that to say “If you love [torturing yourself by bearing witness to some of the most boneheaded self-destruction and heartbreaking dysfunction you've ever seen], set [the final season of Teen Mom to record].”
Yes, Teen Mom‘s fourth and final season is primed to begin airing on June 12th, meaning that we only have one more chance to watch Farrah Abraham, Maci Bookout, Catelynn Lowell, and Amber Portwood–now all in their early twenties–navigate the specific set of challenges we’ve all come to know so well: Farrah’s battle with her parents, Maci’s battle with former beau Ryan, Catelynn’s battle with the choice of putting her baby up for adoption, and Amber’s battle WITH HERSELF, ZOMG GIRL GET A GRIP.
Amber has had quite a full year, beginning with rehab, a suicide attempt, eviction, fraud, jail, and now MOAR JAIL. Portwood was arrested on May 10th for failing to report for her weekly drug court appointment, thereby violating the terms of her probation. If that makes you grab your hair and scream “WHY WHY WHY?!” while pounding your forehead on your keyboard (just me?), allow me to share that Amber had a very good reason for not showing up: she had been ordered to 2-3 weeks of bed rest by her doctor following laparoscopic gallbladder surgery. Whew! All is explained away, right? Except that the court contacted her doctor, who said he gave Amber no such bed rest orders.
The Cos and I just don’t understand, Amber.
Amber, who spent her 22nd birthday IN JAIL on Monday (hoo boy, lady), seems to be relying on the “BUT YOU GUYS, I HAD SURGERY” defense to get her out of this one, but even her own attorney, Evan Broderick, is admitting that “things came to light that she could have been doing more.” Like, maybe, GETTING A DOCTOR’S NOTE or CALLING YOUR PROBATION OFFICER or ACTING LIKE AN ADULT FOR TWO SECONDS OMG AMBER I. AM. THROUGH.
You know I’m really upset when I start quoting “Reality Check.”
Focusing on the other Teen Moms for a moment, it looks like the final season will also bring some changes for Maci, whose relationship with Kyle seems to have met an end. Part of me hopes that Maci will take this opportunity just to be a damn single person for a little while, because between her drama with Ryan and her drama with Kyle, I think she might find life quite delightful without being so focused on turbulent romantic relationships. Speaking of moving on, Farrah decides to take the leap in moving herself and her daughter to sunny Florida, far away from her parents but not, apparently, far away from THE CONSTANT BICKERING that the show’s producers seem hell-bent on making us watch. Catelynn’s storyline appears to contain many of the same themes it has since her 16 and Pregnant days: Butch’s crappy illegal antics landing him in prison for the umpteenth time, and more doubt about her decision to choose adoption for her baby (who is now an adorable toddler).
Ah, yes — the babies! Remember them? Well, they’re all around three years old these days, which means shorties be observing and talking and absorbing every little last drop of insanity around them, and Internet, I CANNOT TAKE IT. The plight of Leah, Amber’s daughter, especially gets to me, because it’s obvious she’s understanding that life is crazy when it comes to her mother, and OH, the sadness and pain on that little face and AMBER I’M YELLING AT YOU AGAIN WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN COMMUNICATE SO MAYBE YOU WILL HEAR ME WHEN I TELL YOU TO KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.
DO NOT MAKE ME APPLY MY LIP RHINESTONES.
I’m not even going to pretend like I won’ t be watching every single last minute of Teen Mom‘s final season, and you’d better believe I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for happier, post-television lives for everyone therein. Good night and good luck, kiddos.