Battleship unnecessarily shoves itself into theaters today, much to the sadness of every person who has ever played Battleship. Or persons who have seen Rihanna and are sad that she exists. Or persons who value their souls.
GO AWAY. CAN'T YOU SEE WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE?!
Just like every other crappy movie that’s produced these days, your kids can’t wait to go see it. You’re gonna be dragged to the theater this weekend to cry into your clandestine, purse-shielded Maple Nut Goodies while Rihanna decides that now she’s the greatest actress ever and Liam Neeson kisses his career goodbye.
Your kids are going to be so excited by the ridiculousness of the movie that you will look incredible when you tell them, “Oh yeah, I used to play Battleship all the time as a kid.”
You will remember sharp and scrape-y plastic carriers.
Your kids will imagine you with a machine gun and a cigar.
So you’ll pull out your dusty, battered box to play. Your kids will get bored. And then your kids will start cheating at the game.
Get it? It's a CHEETAH. You know, with a crappy Jersey accent.
E tu, child that I birthed after so many hours of labor and screaming and many months of fatness and shouting?
Well two can play at that game.
How To Beat Your Children At Classic Board Games
Battleship
Your kids will be cheating by just straight up lying to you about where their ships are. And then, when you realize your entire panel is filled up with white pegs, you’ll call them out on it and there’s a lot of shouting and sadness. THAT’S NO WAY TO CHEAT, YOU FOOLS!
You’re an adult now, have some dignity. Every time you swipe your hand down from marking your child’s ship location, move one of your ships. If one of them gets hit, you’ll have to leave it there, but ships don’t stay still in real life. You’re just adding realism to their gaming experience.
Connect Four
This one seems more cut and dry–you just have to line up four circles. Your kids can beat you with their eyes closed, knowing that you’re not paying attention because Don’t Be Tardy For The Wedding is on and Connect Four can suck it. Your kids will cheat you by trying to sneak in 2 circles in one move.
BAD CALL, PUNK.
Just bust the clip on the blue bottom. Whenever that bottom gets too heavy (which is about 6 circles), that baby will just bust away like the lies your child is feeding you. You will never finish a game, and your child sees a direct connection between his cheating and the end of the game. Pretty sneaky, Mom.
Risk
All you need to remember is this phrase, “Manifest Destiny, baby.”
Russia is all yours now. Enjoy your adventures all over the world.
Candy Land
This is the King of the Child-Cheater Games. It’s such a simple game–all you have to do is find the colors! Your kid is going to pretend like he didn’t see the 4 purples on the way to the purple he chose to land on at the friggin’ end of the board.
You, however, are the card wielder. Stack that deck, mama; count those cards. I like to sneak in a crappy card every time I see a kid cheating. Enjoy your trip back to the beginning, son! CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER.
Hi-Ho-Cherry-O
Sure, you wanna teach your kids math, but you’re really sick of playing this game all day long for the 7,000th time.
Do you know how many cherries you can jam between the box wall and the game?
All of the cherries. That’s how many. All of them. Enjoy your cocktail and your Cherry-O free night.
Monopoly
Shouting at your family and whipping a miniature iron at your husband and children isn’t normal, but in Monopoly, it is.
Throw this game away. Never play it.
Not. Even. Once.
About Noa
