Apparently the 2012 Billboard Music Awards were on last night, which sounds about right since I’m typically the last one to know about the most ragin’ parties. So, when I started clicking through some of the images from the red carpet, I was expecting to see some awesome dresses (lookin’ at you Carrie Underwood & Taylor Swift!), but I was most certainly NOT prepared for the fashion fails that awaited me. They weren’t even necessarily bad, as in ugly, but they were bad in how they triggered my many maternal instincts and left me with a tongue-lashing or twelve for the following Hollywood stars.
Let’s start at the top.
Initial reaction: OH DEAR GOD GIRL WHERE ARE YOUR MOTHERLOVING PANTS. (Do you think she left the house with pants and then took them off in the limo on the ride over? Because this is the only reasonable explanation I can come up with to explain how this young lady got the go-ahead to wear such an outfit on national television. I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE HER BOOBIES.)
Tempered reaction: Okay, Miley. So, ah…nice shoes? Just tell me you’ll be careful when you get up on stage, because I think the people in the front row may be able to see up your–OH…NO…UNSEE! UNSEE!
Initial reaction: Listen, you little JERK. I know you think you’re “hot stuff” and “richer than me” and all that jazz, but I think you should know that the rest of the world SEES THROUGH YOU. Showing up to an awards ceremony dressed like…like, THIS? Did you pay someone to pick that out for you? Because, NEWSFLASH BIEBS, it’s no longer 1987. AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS, JACKNOB.
Tempered reaction: Hm, okay, well…so…I mean, is this really what the kids are wearing these days? And to an awards show? I’d hate to see you in your PJs, champ. And don’t be afraid of a belt. And a brush. And of NOT FLASHING A FRIGGIN’ PEACE SIGN.
Initial reaction: Wow, great dress, Katy! Oh, and you brought your grandma as your date! How incredibly sweet and endearing! My that dress is so lovely. I just…wait, there’s something about it that is off.
Tempered reaction: OH, THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S YOUR PURPLE HAIR AND GOTH CHICK 1990s LIPSTICK. The HELL, Katy?
Initial reaction: Um, she is wearing a bedazzled wrap-towel.
Tempered reaction: No, seriously. Who is this chick, and why is she waring a BEDAZZLED WRAP-TOWEL?
Initial reaction: Whoa, that look on the left has me predicting rehab in 5…4…3…2…
Tempered reaction: I guess, individually, the dress, the hair…each of these things are pretty. But together? Did someone tell her she was going to a costume party? Starring in a period film? Is she mourning Donna Summer, perhaps?
I think someone needs to be assigned to Brandy duty tonight. I’m a little concerned.
Initial reaction: WWWHHHYYYYYYYYY? Why are we ruining pretty things with VISIBLE BRAS?
Tempered reaction: I mean…is it her bra? Or is it part of the dress? And, I gotta say, I’m not much a fan of the crocheted necklace and white finger nails. It’s like I’m watching someone’s grandma get tempted by a local crack dealer who’s all, BUT I TAKE CARE OF YOU BABY.
Initial reaction: Oh, that’s kind of pretty…the color is…OH GOD SHADOWCROTCH.
Tempered reaction: Seriously though. Pubes or shadow? PUBES OR SHADOW? Can’t. Stop. Staring.
Initial reaction: This would have been SO CUTE without the black, opaque tights! WHY must you insist on being so QUIRKY, Zooey? Is it because of your name? Because we can have that changed!
Tempered reaction: I don’t know what I was expected after that Siri commercial. ::sigh::
Okay, so I could keep going here, but I think for my own sanity, we’ll just leave it at this. I was not prepared to face the realization today that I’ve become my mother. There’s not enough Klonopin in the house.
(What did you guys think? Throw a towel at Miley? Slap Bieber across his baby face?)