Dear Ann Curry,
Yeah, that’s right. F**k a whole bunch of ‘em.
Yes, I know. You’re far too classy and too professional to ever say that publicly. But Great Garroway’s ghost (!), when locked away in your home office, three fingers of Cutty Sark rocks sweating on a pile of periodicals, I know you teeter along the outskirts of your darkest place (you HAVE to have one, right?) and I know you’re thinking it: “F**k. ‘Em.” You won’t say it in polite company. You won’t say it out loud. Ever. You’re above it. I am not. So, F**K THEM.
“Teach them well and let them lead the way.”
After 14 years of diligently filling your role as the sole provider of the day’s “hard news,” the Today show gives you your rightful shot at co-anchor along side that anti-Scientologite Matt Lauer, and then decides after just 1.5 years that it’s just not working out? The two of you lack “chemistry” and you’re probably the reason Today and Good Morning America are now trading the number one spot from week to week instead of reigning supreme as the morning show like Today had for years. Hmm…I’m no executive producer, but I think booking this:
on your show at least once every other godforsaken week may have played a small role in millions of eyeballs seeking other morning programming.
And if that didn’t turn people away, surely the decline in ratings couldn’t be attributed to the show’s hard-hitting interviews with Titans of the Entertainment Industry such as:
And I wouldn’t ever DARE to suggest that it was because, when word got out that turncoat Katie Couric was going to guest host GMA for a week, Today decided it’d be a coup to have Sarah Palin (????) guest host as ratings bait. Because she’s so, um, current? Isn’t she ribbon cutting new Chick-Fil-A franchises now? You could’ve had Kristen Stewart read aloud from The Fountainhead for the first hour and done better numbers than that masterstroke.
“The person, um, (shuts eyes/shakes head/exhales heavily) who loves everybody, um, (fidgets/shrugs shoulders/that exasperated exhaling thing again) and feels at home everywhere is, um, the true hater of mankind.”
But, no. The show started tanking and somebody had to be blamed, so they blamed you. F**k ‘em. You’re better than that show. You always have been. When Meredith was interviewing some vapid starlet you were bracing yourself against a telephone pole, covering another tropical storm. When Matt was “roughing it” at a Westin in Marrakesh during one of his insipid “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” segments, you were reporting from the Congo, trying to stay one step ahead of dysentery. And whenever Al was out on the plaza yucking it up with yokels from Ypsilanti, you were landing an interview with, I don’t know, just the Dalai Freakin’ Lama! You were always the Janet to their Jacks and Chrissys. And I mean that in the best way possible. They’ll miss you. You won’t miss them.
Reason #462 why it was awesome being a latch-key kid:
Suzanne Somers ample bosom. This show.
And that’s why it pained me to see you in tears yesterday as you announced you were leaving the show because we could all see that you alone were shouldering the blame of the ratings slip. And it felt like you were owning up and apologizing for some failure on your part. They failed you, lady. You should’ve been doing all along what they’re now giving you as a parting gift. And that’s acting network National/International News Correspondent and Anchor. That’s the Curry milieu! You need to imbed with Syrian rebels and not have to discuss who’s in bed with JWoww. Godspeed. You will be missed.