Originally Amber Portwood was my top story, along with a few other semi-famous drinkers, but brain tumors are kind of a trump card, you feel?
Singer and breast cancer survivor Sheryl Crow has been diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, which she mentioned in a joking and offhand sort of way in a recent interview. It turns out she’d been having memory problems that troubled her so much she had an MRI, which revealed the growth, called a meningioma. The singer says she isn’t having any major symptoms or health problems as a result nor does she need surgery, and the mention of the tumor wasn’t meant to freak out her fans. Sher, maybe don’t play so fast and loose with the tumor talk. Those of us who haven’t ever personally kicked cancer’s ass tend to get a little nervous when you drop the T word.
Amber Portwood of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom infamy/general sad-making is headed to prison for as long as five years, for drug possession and parole violation charges. Portwood previously cut a deal to enter rehab in lieu of serving jail time, but quit the program after only three months, I guess deciding that 3-5 years in a cell was a better deal than a few months in rehab and…well, my head hurts just trying to wrap my head around that kind of logic. Not that she’s famous for her awesome decision making skills. And, no, that’s not a jab at teen moms per se but…you have seen that show or read a tabloid magazine cover at the grocery checkout at some point in the last few years, right? All I’m saying is girl needs to be sentenced to some classes in critical thinking and anger management… and, yes, more rehab. Poor Leah. Is there a college/therapy fund for that kid I can donate to?
In other news of law and order and fail, Amanda Bynes was charged with a DUI yesterday following her arrest last month for sideswiping a police car, after which she refused to submit to a Breathalyzer or drug test. Well, Amanda is so pissed at the cop who arrested her, she’s appealing to the President himself, who surely was just sitting at home with nothing to do until she tweeted him: “I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me.” HOKAY, DERP DERP. So, obviously Amanda did not receive the finest education at Nickelodeon High School if she thinks the prez is the boss of the LAPD, but I’m willing to believe she wasn’t drinking on the night in question, because she clearly has a problem with the finer points of motor vehicle operation. Honestly, she’s either drunk/high all the time or she’s simply a godawful driver. Since swiping the cop car, she has also backed over a curb while texting and caused a traffic jam while trying to figure out how many points are in a three point turn. Honey, fire somebody (like your hair colorist) and get a chauffeur, mmkay?
And even more drunk and disorderly charges! Well, sorta. Scout Willis, daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, was arrested for drinking a beer in Union Square Park. She’s only 20 years old but – I’m sorry – was this at some point of day there weren’t five bums doing the exact same thing, only with their pants around their knees? Because that’s my (admittedly limited) experience with that park. However, it sounds like Scout also showed cops a fake ID, which again raises the question – is our Hollywood kids learning? Signs point to no.
And this just in – Miley “Party in the USA” Cyrus is engaged to marry Liam, the lesser of two Hemsworths, after three years of dating. I was surprised to learn they’d been dating that long. Is she even old enough to drink yet? Well, anyway, mazel on the first of what I’m sure will amount to many engagements, kiddos.