Rock of Ages star Tom Cruise is a mere loft wedge away from a major milestone. The actor turns 50 on July 3 and plans to spend his birthday with his family. That sounds like the way I like to spend my birthdays. You know, just kicking it with the wife and kids. Only I do it at home while Cruise and family will be in Iceland because he’s shooting a movie there. So there’s that.
Anyway, everyone’s favorite couch jumper recently told People Magazine that three’s company for him. At least when it comes to kids. But wait. I thought he and Katie Holmes only had one child, Suri (6). Seems I’d forgotten that Cruise and Nicole Kidman had two kids, Conner (17) and Bella (19). In fact, I’d forgotten that Cruise and Kidman were ever an item to begin with, which either speaks to my memory or to the overexposure of TomKat. Possibly both. Regardless, no more family expansions for Cruise.
Better be careful Tom. I said that, too, you know—that my wife and I were happy with four. And then we ended up having a surprise love child. So keep your monkey business tight, bro, lest it becomes, you know, Risky Business.
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While Tom’s all set, Kenny Chesney is anything but. Which explains his new family expansion, Pancho the dog (who kinda looks like a dog more fitting of, say, Little Orphan Annie than some “macho” country star, but whatever.) In a recent interview, Chesney said that a friend gave him the dog and said “Here, Kenny, you have to learn to attach to something.”
But I’m calling BS on that story. Because that sounds like a quote made up by a lonely dude who’s trying (too hard?) to come off as a player. And, sorry, Kenny, but one brief and bizarre romp with Bridget Jones didn’t exactly turn you into George Clooney.
Still, as long as you promise NOT to send holiday cards adorned with pictures of Pancho to your family and friends, you’re welcome to keep the “goldendoodle.” But, please, for the love of God, lose the do-rag. (Psst — we know you’re bald.)
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Speaking of family expansions, it looks like the Cyrus family won’t be expanding as much as initially thought. No. Everything’s fine with Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth despite the recent pics of the pop star getting her drink on with some another dude in a swanky Miami pool. But it seems that everything’s not so great with Cyrus’ brother. I mean, first, he’s gotta deal with the whole “I look like the illegitimate lovechild of Marilyn Manson and Keanu Reaves” thing he’s got going on. And on top of that, it was announced on Monday that his engagement to Disney star Brenda Song has been officially called off.
Word has it that the entire family is greatly saddened by the news. I mean, sure, Billy Ray, Miley and Trace have all made music in the past, but all three were so looking forward to finally being able to lay claim to a legitimate Song. (Oh my. So sorry about that one.)
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Speaking of breakups, Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette’s 12-year marriage will soon be officially over. A week ago today, the couple formally filed for divorce, within mere minutes of one another. They’re both seeking custody of their eight-year-old daughter and are also both representing themselves in the proceedings. The two have been very cordial throughout their separation and the fact that they’re each representing themselves suggests that trend will continue.
Though Courtney did decide to go ahead and file for a name change. She’s dropping Arquette. And I, for one, think it’s a good thing. I mean, a lot of women emerge from divorce as bitter man-haters, so I’m just glad that Courtney is going to, um, stick with Cox.
About John Cave Osborne
