On the heels of their recent feud, celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman has reportedly offered singers Chris Brown and Drake $1 million dollars each to step into the ring and work out their problems with their fists. It’ll be like punching therapy! Backed by a billionaire funder, the fight would also include a $1 million check to an unspecified charity. I hope everyone is aware that the best choice would be any Domestic Violence Center, because HAAA! (Attention Damon Feldman: Here, I made this funny for you. I’m sure no one has ever thought of it before. That will be $1 million dollars please.) The fight would be staged in Las Vegas or LA and be available to the rest of us via pay-per-view for approximately $2,392.99. Punching therapy is expensive, y’all.
Chris Brown and Drake’s troubles began in a night club June 14th and, though sources have wildly different versions of the story, no one has tried very convincingly to deny that Brown’s battered ex-girlfriend and Drake’s current… arm candy? bed bedazzler? girl-something, Rihanna, is dancing in place at the center of the madness in a mini-dress. I’m not usually one to give two of my own preciously formed craps about celebrity feuds, but the reports of what happened are totally baffling and end in stitches. In a bystander’s face. Because they (and their respective “crews”) took it to the red.
“Obviously they have a grudge. It’s just three one-minute rounds. No one will get seriously hurt,” organizer Feldman told the NY Daily News. I hate to burst his bubble, but there are going to be a lot of disappointed viewers in this potential scenario if no one gets seriously hurt. I know, I know, that’s just what the promoters say to try to convince celebs and their managers that this is a great idea and no one will leave the event disfigured. “Oh sure, no one will get hurt at all! We’ll just put you into the ring with this guy that you tried to stab with a broken bottle and everything will be turning up fuzzy kittens! ONE MILLION DOLLARS.” Then again, the chances are 50/50 that instead of beating the ever-loving bananacake out of each other they would take a few swings and hug at the end as some kind of publicity spin, and… NO. Completely unacceptable. This is how pop culture has ruined fighting.
Whether or not it actually happens, it’s not shocking that they’ve been made an offer. Fight promoters seem to spring up whenever there’s a new celebrity scuffle and try to cash in on the notoriety. This time (for once) it’s a fight I might actually watch, and the charity donation is a little slice of extra cake on top of the first piece of cake baked inside a cake where Chris Brown might get kicked in the face. A representative from Brown noted that they’d never even heard of the offer, which may be further proof that this delightful money-making scheme is going nowhere fast (or that the guy they interviewed was the dog walker. TEAM BREEZY 4 LYFE).
Most of the time, nothing ever comes of these fight offers, much to the consternation of the public at large. I would much rather just let Chris Brown and Drake punch each other in the face than read their catty remarks back and forth for the next calendar year or, conversely, be subjected to their glorified reconciliation. (cc: Madonna v Lady Gaga, get yeselves to the Thunderdome!) Similar attempts at the same concept, like FOX’s Celebrity Boxing, showed us just how depressing a bad match up can be (Paula Jones vs. Tonya Harding, yipes), and how completely unsatisfying safety restrictions can make the whole thing. There’s a reason that Celebrity Death Match was such a bloody hit for MTV in the late 90s. I can only hope that, in the very unlikely event that this fight actually happens, it’s all that we ever dreamed it could be. You know, for charity.