Last night, “Simba,” “Mustafa,” and “The Lion King” were trending on Twitter in the United States. I couldn’t figure out why. Was there one of those 3D re-releases of the movie that are so popular these days? Maybe it was finally decided by some high court that The Lion King completely rips off the 1960s Kimba The White Lion, my personal most favorite kids cartoon in the whole entire world. Or maybe it was some pissed-off cell animation artist at Disney trying to knock Brave off the trend throne.
Turns out The Lion King was trending because it was on television last night, and evidently everyone in the world switched channels to watch it, and then gush about the movie on Twitter.
I find that fascinating, mostly because I’ve never seen The Lion King. I’m not sure how that happened—or, rather, didn’t happen. Yet somehow, one of the most beloved and famous movies of all time just slipped by me. Even when my kids were gung-ho into Disney films, we skipped over that one, and they never asked. (I think my kids have even seen Lion King 2 and Lion King Redux, or whatever, but not the original.) Maybe I was just ticked off about the Kimba thing.
Still, I’ve absorbed enough of the The Lion King in everyday life to get the Lion King Pose joke and to be sick of the song “Hakuna Matata”. In polite conversation, I can fake it.
Here are a few of the other movies everyone has seen but me. Maybe except you, too. We can fake it together.
What I Know About Top Gun: Tom Cruise is in it. Something about air planes. Seemed to be a big hit with frat guys.
Why I Haven’t Seen Top Gun: Tom Cruise is in it. Something about air planes. Seemed to be a big hit with frat guys. Heh…just kidding. I’m not sure why I didn’t see it when the movie first came out. Maybe that was during my semester in France, and I was busy smoking stinky cigarettes and drinking too much wine to watch movies dubbed in a foreign language I didn’t understand well (drunk.)
What I Know About The Goonies: A movie about kids on an adventure. A lot of child stars who are now well known for being on Twitter or playing Hobbits. Maybe they find a dead body near the train tracks…I’m blurry on this part (that I didn’t see).
Why I Haven’t Seen It: I keep confusing The Goonies with Gremlins, that movie about the little creatures that turned all rabid when sprayed with water. That movie freaked me out. I’m afraid of what would happen if Corey Feldman had a Slurpee spilled on him.
What I Know About Braveheart: Mel Gibson. Scotland. Blue Paint. Kilts.
Why I Haven’t Seen It: For a while, there was no good reason. I’m a big fan of windy moors and flowing kilts, and I think I probably would have really enjoyed the movie. Now, Mel Gibson is far too much of a lunatic for me to care whether or not he’s wearing panties under his skirt.
Yes, I know that photo is not from Braveheart, but maybe it’s time for a remake. In 3D. Maybe even 4D.
Although, Essential Entertainment has optioned Diana Gabaldon’s book Outlander, and wouldn’t I like to wonder what’s under James McAvoy’s wee plaid kilt for two hours? (Yeah, I’m a randy dog today. You’ll get over it.)
What I Know About Home Alone: Annoying kid gets left at home by his parents, probably with good reason. Robbers break in. Hilarity ensues.
Why I’ve Never Seen It: Okay, I’ve probably seen bits and pieces of this just walking through family rooms and electronics stores where the movie was playing on the television. So, I’ve seen Home Alone, just not in chronological order (for a while, this was also true of It’s A Wonderful Life). I have a sort of cubist perspective. Macaulay Culkin is even more annoying when remembered from all angles at once.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
What I Know About Ferris Bueller: Matthew Broderick. Ben Stein. Kids plays hookey. A parade. “Bueller? Bueller?” Is this the one where he befriends a hooker and dances in his underwear?
Why I’ve Never Seen It: Because I saw the movie where someone befriends a hooker and dances in his underwear while his parents are away, I always think I’ve seen Ferris Bueller. Maybe I’ll rent it this weekend. Or stream it. Or whatever one does with a movies to watch it but not pay full price.
So now, I’ve come clean. I’ve revealed the gaps in my cinematographic education. Now it’s your turn: What movies has everyone seen but you? And why not? And can you fake it at cocktail parties when everyone starts singing “Hakuna Matata”?