Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champion of the world, is coming to Broadway this summer. And by “coming to Broadway”, I don’t mean that he’s there simply to have a fundamental disagreement with the cast of Sister Act.
This skirmish is not a result of our conflicting theologies, it’s simply a result of how much I despise doo-wop.
That’s right, Mike Tyson is coming to Broadway with his very own one man show, Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth. The show will run for six nights, starting on July 31st, and will be directed by Spike Lee. The show’s description, from its own website, is as follows:
“One of the world’s most powerful and controversial figures comes to Broadway for six nights only! MIKE TYSON: UNDISPUTED TRUTH is a rare, personal look inside the life and mind of one of the most feared men ever to wear the heavyweight crown. Directed by Academy Award nominee Spike Lee, this riveting one man show goes beyond the headlines, behind the scenes and between the lines to deliver a must-see theatrical knockout.”
I’m assuming it’ll be “undisputed” truth, because if Mike hears so much as a whiff of disagreement from the crowd, he’ll climb down into the audience and cave your skull in. This is interesting. After all, we all know how well pop culture driven one man shows go over with modern audiences and their lasting appeal will never fade.
Come see my Warlock Torpedo Show of Everlasting Awesome…{slips into pill-fueled shame coma}
One thing is for certain though: Mike Tyson has led an undeniably interesting life. Ever since he took the boxing world by storm, he’s been embroiled in one controversy or another for more than 20 years. He’s been the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, he’s been jailed and accused of despicable things, he’s been at the very top and at the very bottom. Love him (ironically), hate him, or love to hate him, he’s been a lasting part of the pop cultural spectrum and he doesn’t appear to be going anywhere. Here are some of his more eloquent hits:
“I’m going to eat your children” is how I end most phone calls.
But what will Mike Tyson’s one man show look like? Presumably he’ll be sharing some of the more interesting stories of his life, but there’s probably more than that to his show, right? This is Broadway! People are going to expect some razzmatazz! Jazz hands! Musical numbers! Spider-Man! Well, you’re in luck. I happen to be friends with several choreographers in the industry, due to my unfortunate history with Broadway and the obscene amount of money I poured into a Superman musical…
Legally, my role in this was tried as a war crime.
Anyway, I happen to have an inside track on what one can expect when they plunk down about $200 for one ticket to Mike Tyson’s show. Highlights of the show will include:
- Warm up monologue by Glass Joe. It’s mainly about how much he hates Soda Poppinski.
Picture from Glass Joe’s own stage production, “All of My Moves Are Clearly Telegraphed.”
- The first act of Tyson’s show is almost identical, word for word, to Mark Twain Tonight. The only major difference is that Tyson pronounces “Huckleberry Finn” as “Houndleberry F%&k” and most of the subtler witticisms are replaced by Tyson punching a sack full of money. He also wears the same seersucker suit as Twain.
- Intermission will be a particular treat for audience goers who elect to stay in their seats since Tyson will eat several live birds on stage.
This was probably not consensual.
- Halfway through Act 2, a random cast member from Wicked will be forcibly face-tattooed on stage while Tyson burns pictures of Evander Holyfield.
- Two and half hours of musical numbers.
Here’s a fun game! Try not to get scared as you realize the man rarely blinks!
- There’s a touch of experimental theater when Tyson demands that they turn off all of the lights and makes everyone be absolutely quiet when Robin Givens drives by looking for unpaid settlement money.
- Don King swoops in at the end as the Green Goblin.
Only in America, Spider-Man! ONLY IN AMERICA!!!
That’s all of the spoilers I have for now. The rest will have to come when the curtain rises on Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth in July. So what do you think? Would you pay for a ticket to see Mike Tyson wax philosophic? Or would you rather keep as much space between you and him as possible? What other infamous figure (other than El Guapo) would you like to see get their own one man show?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get a tremendous amount of plastic surgery since I’m now concerned that Mike Tyson Googles himself on a daily basis.
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About Joe Lyons
