Congratulations, Sharon Stone! If you ever tire of hearing Golden Globe Award Winning Actress or Possible Racist before your name, don’t you fret. According to RadarOnline.com, CougarLife.com (the website that connects women with men younger than them) has bestowed the honor of Hottest Cougar in Hollywood upon that crazy noggin of yours. 8,400 men were surveyed and asked what celebrity over 50 would they like to have a summer fling with and 44% of them chose you!
Well, THAT’S never coming out.
And it appears the competition took a drubbing. Coming in 2nd place with 20% of the vote was Kathy Griffin, OBVIOUSLY. Madonna took 3rd place with 18%. (I believe Mayan literature also predicted men would find Kathy Griffin more desirable than Madonna in year 2012.) And 4th and 5th place went to Kim Cattrall and Susan Sarandon, respectively.
So, again, a hearty congratulations to Ms. Stone and all the women mentioned! And a special slap o’ the back to CougarLife.com for their efforts toward the perpetuation of sexually objectifying women no matter how old they are or how shallow it may be. You have made me so eager to raise my daughter in such progressive times. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go arm myself…
No attempt at a funny caption here, friends. Gonna’ just let this moment breathe. I love you.
As depressing laughable as this “award” is, it has reminded me of something that has gone unaddressed for far too long: I say the time has come to slay the Cougar. Don’t get me wrong, this is not some personal beef I have with women dating younger men. Absolutely not. Have at it, ladies. Good luck, godspeed and good on ya! I just think we need a new word to describe the women who seek men younger than them. Pleeeease, God, we need a new word for it because cougar has run its course. It’s been abused to a pulpy mess. It’s gone the same, worn out route of (just to name a few) hipster, meta, and mainstream media. And if there are any women reading this who may think that it’s not a man’s place to launch a salvo on a word that describes a certain, proud group of their gender, let me just say that I also wanna’ get MILF forever bounced from the lexicon. Do we have a deal?
Rejoice! For we live in a world where a Google search for MILF yields this image.
Now, of course, if we’re gettin’ rid of cougar, what do we replace it with? Do we stay within the realm of the Animal Kingdom and tap Lioness as the new term? It brings to mind the same confident, worldly, and beautiful woman that cougar does. Even sounds a little less threatening when you say it. Which is misleading because we know lady lions like to do this most days:
“Oh, no! Un-uh. You did NOT just axe for her number again!”
So I thought we’d take the term out of Nature and shift focus toward the area of Academia. I’ve been knocking it around and I’d like to submit to you sex docent as a possible replacement for cougar. (Also considering naked docent, bedroom docent, or docent of all things down there) I’m not married to it, by any means, but I think it could be a viable replacement. Docent’s are always a little older, wiser, and more experienced. So that part works. I could even see just docent catching on. “Bro, what was Arnie’s like last night?” ”Aw, bro, it was a docent den! Docent smoke show all night.” This may have legs, folks.
Don’t be fooled, college boy. She’ll make you sweat and Monet.
Sex Docent! What do you think? Okay, okay…this may need a little more work, but am I alone in never wanting to hear cougar again? If you’re sick of it, too then let the spitballing commence below!
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