Ever since Miley Cyrus got engaged to brand-spankin’ new fiance Liam Hemsworth the internet has been speculating on every aspect of the upcoming nuptials. This week? Who the 19-year-old star will choose for her wedding party dream team. (Doubtful she’s chosen them, though, because choosing bridesmaids can be kind of stressful and I’m sure Miley will want to squeeze every ounce of available drama out of the experience for maximum tabloid enjoyment.)
Anyway, let’s suspend disbelief for just a moment, and pretend that this wedding will actually take place (remember when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were running around getting engaged to anyone with a trust fund and a four-karat diamond?) as I give Miss (soon to be Mrs!) Miley some advice on the key bridesmaid types every girl must wrangle.
#1. Kelly Osbourne: The Mature, Give-It-T0-Me-Straight Bridesmaid
Every girl needs that friend who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, whether you veil is crooked, you have spinach in your teeth, or you’re about to marry a mega-douche. Kelly is really good at cursing, and isn’t afraid to hurt people’s feelings, so I’m confident she’ll be the one telling Miley (loudly, preferably on the mic) when she’s downed too many white wine spritzers at the reception.
#2. Taylor Swift: The Goody-Two-Shoes Bridesmaid
While Kelly will keep Miley from embarrassing herself or making any poor life choices (*snicker*), Taylor Swift will be there to lead by example. And by example, I mean her presence on the bridal squad will make everyone slightly less comfortable getting sloppy, because Miss Tayor Swift is a lady. She also may qualify as the “keeping up social appearances bridesmaid” since Celebuzz’s only reason for including the star on their list was that the close-in-age superstarlets had “performed together.”
#3. Mandy Jiroux: The “Make Me Look Good” Bridesmaid
Brides-to-be can be insecure jumbles of nerves, and who better to pick Miley up than her BFF and YouTube co-star Hannah Montana backup dancer Mandy Jiroux?! Mandy is used to standing in Miley’s shadow, so she’s sure not to step out of line on her wedding day, and when it’s her turn to grab the spotlight you can count on her to ramble incoherently and dedicate her Maid of Honor speech to Jesus.
#4. Kelly Preston: The Matron of WTF?
Kelly Preston was in that movie Miley and Liam met on and calls Miley Cyrus her “second daughter” so the Internet went ahead and put her on their list. I guess some times people do make really weird bridesmaid choices. Maybe Miley should throw her own Mom Tish into the mix, because they do seem to have one of those weird “I’m a cool Mom” relationships.
#5. Demi Lovato: The “Thick and Thin” Bridesmaid
Okay, I really like Demi Lovato and think she’s good people, so I’m going to turn the snark down to about a two for a second (but just for a second.) Demi has a good head on her shoulders and understands the teen-star-mania that Miley eats/drinks/breathes, so I hope the smiley one does have her by her side when she takes the plunge. Also, you can totally see the love in that picture. And Demi’s dress is cute.
#6/7. Miley’s Sisters: Family Comes First!
Miley’s sisters Noah (center) and Brandi (right) Cyrus are shoo-ins for Jr. Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor respectively. And rightfully so. Where bridesmaids politics are concerned, shun a sister, and live to regret it, y’all.
So what do you think — am I missing any key elements of a successful bridal party? I guess I left off potential bridesMAN and recent pool-photo-companion Cheyne Thomas — would Liam be cool with a dude in pink taffeta?