Well, kids, Nadya Suleman, aka the Octomom, is in the news again. It seems as if she’s found romance in the (presumably fake-tanned) arms of 23-year-old amateur bodybuilder Frankie G, this according to Us Weekly. I know what you’re thinking – a 36-year-old woman and a 23-year-old, muscle-bound pretty boy?
Sounds like someone’s about to get the keys to Cougartown, y’all.
But not so fast. Because back in March, Suleman told People magazine, “I would need to be with someone for years, not months, for something to manifest into anything more. I don’t even touch my own darn self unless I’m washing with soap.”
Yet, just a month later, Nadya was, indeed, touching her own darn self a la her first adult-film role. But Frankie doesn’t have to worry about playing second fiddle to a leading man because Suleman was flying solo in this adult flick. And self-indulgently.
And it sounds like it went pretty well, thanks in part to a mentor over whom she, um, gushed. She told HuffPo: “Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake…opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could have never imagined…for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy.”
No word on whether or not it was also the first time she’d ever felt dead and wrong. Or if she insisted on lathering up with a little Dove between scenes.
But the past is the past. And, to me, this new relationship sounds like a win-win all the way around. First, Nadya can help young Frankie G. mature quickly. Take it from me – a guy who married a single mom – nothing will get you to grow up quicker than being in a relationship with a woman who has children, and I bet you’d grow up quicker, still, if that single mom were equipped with a womb that’s as roomy as a downtown loft.
And for Nadya, if this thing goes the distance, she’ll be able to, um, wash her hands of her porn-star past and settle down with her man and her kids and live a nice, quiet, intimate little life. Just the 16 them.
She recently opened up to TMZ about the romance, telling the celebrity site that the age difference shouldn’t be a problem because she’s got “the mind of an 18-year-old.”
No argument here, Nadya.
Look, if I’m coming off all snarky, well, it’s because I sorta am. But in addition to that, it’s because I wish that she weren’t constantly making headlines. I wish that we weren’t hearing about her dating 23-year-olds. Or resorting to porn to put a roof over her children’s (many, many) heads. In fact, I wish that she’d never opted to have 14 kids (eight in one fell swoop) in the first place.
But once she did, you’d figure her entire life would be dedicated to chasing those kids around as opposed to some vapid brand of fame she seems to feel entitled to have simply by virtue of the fact that she had so many kids to begin with. And given all of those kids who are counting on her, one would think she’d have worthier pursuits than a young kid with (pretty sweet) blue contacts who can bench press their combined weight.
I could be wrong, though. He might just have super-blue eyes.
But it doesn’t really matter what I think, now does it? They’re obviously together. And if you’re wondering how it all came about, Suleman told TMZ that she met her muscle-bound better half through church.
Maybe that’s why this romance makes me wanna hold my nose and say pew. (Oh my. Sorry about that.)
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About John Cave Osborne
