Kris Humphries alleges that famed mom-ager Kris Jenner “directed” daughter Kim Kardashian to do the infamous sex tape that launched her career as…um, as…as a person who made a sex tape and now earns more than 40,000 elementary school teachers combined.
Well, to be clear: TMZ alleges that Myla Sinanaj alleges that Kris Humphries alleges that Kris Jenner instructed Kim Kardashian to do the infamous Ray J sex tape. Sinanaj briefly dated NBA player Humphries after his very public split from Kardashian after an even public-ier wedding and 72-day marriage. The big ball of allegations has surfaced as part of the circus surrounding the ugly divorce proceedings. Oh and just for kicks: Humphries has disavowed Myla Sinanaj. He has even suggested that she runs a brothel.
Now are you all caught up on these people you don’t know and probably don’t care much about? Are you able to explain the uprising in Syria and bloodshed over the thwarted relief effort in Homs? If you answered “Yes” then “No.” Please go listen to NPR for a few minutes before we continue. It would just make me feel better.
Are you back? Good. Okay, so in light of the second-hand allegation–dimissed by the Kardashian camp and reportedly by Humphries–what is really troubling us? That it may not be true and innocent people are being hurt? That we suspect we’d be unsurprised were it true, since Kris Jenner is an unapologetic huckster for her daughters [which we need to get over since if this were a man hustling for his son we probably wouldn't be writing about it]?
Or are we troubled that as mothers or children we wouldn’t know how to handle the tricky world of Mom-directed publicity stunt sex tapes? Yes. That’s what I thought. And that is why I have spent years working on a guide for just such an occasion. Eat your heart out, Murkoff and Mazel.
Expect that you’ll be really disappointed by the casting. Let’s pretend Kris Jenner did say to her daughter, “I need you to do a sex tape…we’ll pretend to leak it and you’ll be a hit.” I’m sure Kim’s first question was, “With whom?”
Do you believe that Kim K and Ray J—brother of R&B star Brandy and “singer” in his own right—was already in her life and Number 1 on her list? The guy only went as high as #11 on the charts in New Zealand. And there are ten people in New Zealand now that Peter Jackson’s moved. No, I think Kris picked Ray J because Moms, no matter how business savvy, are lame. “Hey! ‘Ray J’ is a rad name, huh, Kim? I bet he rocks the hip and hop!”
So be prepared to be underwhelmed when your mom shows up to your sex tape shoot with the last pop star she remembers you liking. I hope you enjoy your four-way with Andrew from Wham!, the Black Thompson Twin, and Devante from Jodeci.
Expect to feel like you’re back in the 8th grade show choir. Once your mom yells “cut!” on your sex tape shoot, she will run up to you in front of all the other sex tape kids and tell you that you were the very best one even though you were in the back.
Expect to hear some old chestnuts. If anyone within five miles of your sex tape shoot even stifles a giggle, expect to hear from behind the camera, “If they’re laughing you don’t need them, because they’re not good friends!” You may also be asked if all the other kids refused to do “that” and jumped off a bridge, would you follow suit. And you might as well prepare your retort now to, “As long as you film a sex tape under my roof, you’ll film it by my rules.”
Expect to roll your eyes. See above. Also, it is helpful to practice saying, “None of the other moms are picking their kids up early.” You may want to rehearse it with a mouth full of marbles.
Expect Thanksgiving to get really awkward. “Honey, could you put them on the glass…I mean, put the gravy on the table?”
Expect constructive criticism. You may find yourself with worse things to deal with than the occasional Freudian slip. What if you’re not done editing yet and—as Kris Jenner reportedly did let’s-please-wish-on-two-million-stars-that-this-isn’t-true—your Mom tells you you have to reshoot a scene beacuse it wasn’t up to snuff? ”Once more! With FEELING!”
Expect the expected. Listen, people are going to judge the Hell out of you. But you did this to be famous. And to save cash on Mother’s Day gifts for years to come. You might as well enjoy the ride.