The gossip gods giveth and the gossip gods taketh away, my friends.
Yesterday, Tom Cruise‘s and Katie Holmes‘s lawyers completed a divorce settlement agreement after working basically nonstop all weekend to reach an accord that might keep proceedings out of court and deprive gossip bloggers everywhere from months of content. Christ, they are so selfish. Obvs the settlement is not public, but apparently it is quite detailed regarding Suri, which is to be expected. According to TMZ:
- Katie will have what amounts to primary physical custody, but Tom has significant custodial time with his daughter.
- A report claiming that Suri must be in the presence of Katie’s bodyguard and nanny when she is around Tom is “absolutely, 100% false.”
- The custodial provisions of the agreement are extremely detailed, and religion is one of the topics. We’re told there are restrictions on what Tom and Katie can discuss with Suri on the subject of religion, including Scientology, however, those restrictions are eased the older Suri gets.
TMZ also reports that Suri was the motivation behind the swift settlement, as both parents felt it best for her sake to reach an agreement without a lot of contention, which is a refreshing breath of sanity. Of course, having the money and influence to hire a team of lawyers willing to work through a weekend to hammer out the details probably helped. Remind me to be super rich and famous next time I get divorced.
We knew that Adele was pregnant, but we had no idea how pregnant. Turns out? SUPER pregnant. Like seven months pregnant. I guess that explains the four pairs of Spanx at the Grammys. (To be fair, she was only 2 months pregnant there.) Rumor has it [I'M SORRY. LAZIEST ALLUSION EVER -Ed.] the megastar chanteuse is also currently recording an album of nursery rhymes and playing back the tapes to her fetus. Hopefully the early music education will help ensure baby Adele’s talent level is more Liza Minelli than Nancy Sinatra. Because you know no matter how good a singer that kid is, s/he’ll have a recording contract in 16-20 years.
Last night on The Bachelorette was everybody’s favorite – fantasy suite timez. Except Emily decided to forego the overnight dates. So boring. Sluttier contestants please, ABC. When your ABC Family shows are racier than your flagship content—half-nekkid Sutton Foster on Bunheads last night—something is off. (Speaking of Bunheads, I am still watching that because I have the opposite of a commitment problem when it comes to TV shows, but I’m quickly realizing they killed off my favorite character in the first episode, so we’ll see. Also, is Sutton Foster playing down her talent? Because that girl has two Tonys and I am really not sure why.) Anyway, then Emily kicked off Sean and now you’ll have to wait until next season of The Bachelor to see him make out awkwardly again because you just know that’s the beefcake they’re going to recycle.
Despite the chastity of The Bachelorette this season, ABC clearly must have a direct line into my weird sex fantasies because they gave a green light to a cooking competition show with the unbearable hotness of Nigella Lawson and Anthony Bourdain. I would really really like those two to make me a sandwich…because they’re good cooks and I bet they make good sandwiches? What did you think I meant by that? *blush*
Kimye make their first Keeping Up With the Kardashians appearance and it’s as riveting as you anticipated: