However you feel about Tom Cruise or Scientology, I feel like you have to be happy for Katie Holmes, who split from her husband of five years on Friday. After all, no good marriage ends in divorce. I’m also pretty sure no good marriage starts with this:
Oh, just in case you just woke up from a four-day coma, let me catch you up—Katie Holmes filed for divorce in New York, she wants sole custody of Suri, and most of the tabs are saying Tom was completely blind-sided by the news that Katie was terminating her contract dissolving their marriage. Just two weeks ago they were awkwardly holding hands together in Reykjavik, but now Katie is setting up house in a new apartment in New York (even though Tom is rarely at the one they share in NYC, which is deeded exclusively to Katie) and trying to lose a tail of CoS goons.
Divorce is never easy, even if the dude you’re divorcing is a total creepstar. Nevertheless, having been through that fire myself, I say congratulations are in order. And, in celebration of your new start, Katie, here are some things I suggest you do while you’re out there getting your groove back:
Wear Heels
Let’s start with the obvious. And I’m not talking wedges and kitten heels, Kat. I am talking full on Christian Louboutin fuck-me-stilts. Stand tall, now that you’re no longer forced to walk in a gutter next to your husband.
Smile
…though your heart is breaking, smile though an unmarked Mercedes SUV is following you everywhere you go. I feel like I haven’t seen that cute little Joey Potter half-smile in ages, and I think I know why.
Rebound With an Old Flame
Breaking off your engagement with Chris Klein messed him up big time (like two-DUIs-and-a-stint-in-rehab messed up), but I think Chris is on the mend, and still super cute. Maybe you two can do some non-creepy, age appropriate sexual healing together? I feel a little gross suggesting that, but you guys were such a cute couple.
Get Suri Some Sneakers
I mean seriously. That kid’s already got bunions and she’s still learning her ABCs. This suggestion really has nothing to do with your split with Tom, it would just make me feel better.
Throw Yourself into Work
It sounds like Tom had a pretty iron-clad prenup in place, and while you’re certainly no pauper, you will likely not have the sort of fortune you would if you’d managed to stay in Stepford for more than ten years. Plus, Suri has a certain lifestyle to which she’s become accustomed, and what is she supposed to do, walk around with last season’s Farragamo?
Remember when you used to make movies? That was fun, right? I really liked Pieces of April, by the way, and I watch it every Thanksgiving. Also, I think enough time has passed since Mad Money that most of us have forgotten about it. So maybe you can use the increased profile to get back into the game? Also, I’m just spitballing here, but DAWSON’S CREEK REUNION. I’m pretty sure the Beek is available.
Never. Not. Funny. NEVER.
What do you guys think Katie should do now that she’s broken the chains of love?
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