Can we all just agree that we live in an overly litigious society? Actually, what I’d really like to pin down is, “Can we please blame it on Kevin Costner?”
Kevin Costner is suing Morgan Creek Productions, the producer of his 1991 film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. ABC News reports that, “Costner claims Morgan Creek promised him 12.5 percent of the movie’s adjusted gross sales above $60 million and 15 percent of adjusted gross sales above $100 million, among other revenue.” The movie’s worldwide theatrical haul was $390 million…
…not to mention the revenue from strong home video sales.
Morgan Creek hasn’t yet publicly commented, so I will: dear God…has my invention succeeded? Have I actually traveled back in time to 1992? I can talk myself out of that Bea Arthur jumpsuit-of-a-prom-dress! I can throw myself in front of Tim Curry’s car so that he misses his callback for Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
What’s that you say? No? It is 2012 and we’re talking about Kevin Costner and Robin Hood? Okay. Fine.
I note that this is actually the second legal battle Costner has gotten himself into of late. Last month in New Orleans a federal jury found in Costner’s favor after actor Stephen Baldwin alleged that Kev conned him into selling his interest in Ocean Therapy Solutions before OTS made millions selling a centrifugal clean-up device to BP in the aftermath of the catastrophic 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Go back. Read it again. Yes.
Seriously: Costner suing a Baldwin brother against the backdrop of a massive oil spill. Are you sure it’s not the early 90s?
So, Molly, you’re saying, I see a flaw in your original premise. Two lawsuits does not a litigious bastard make. And why shouldn’t Costner get his due for the part he played in making Robin Hood a hit? Furthermore, Stephen Baldwin sued Costner, not the other way around. All true. AND I DON’T CARE. YOU WILL SIT THERE AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME WASTE PRECIOUS ENERGY FLOGGING KEVIN COSTNER AND YOU. WILL. LIKE. IT.
I have been lying in wait for years–nay, decades–itching for the chance to knock on Kevin Costner. You know what I was blogging about when Costner was a huge star? Nothing, because it was 1992, I was 15, and we communicated cross-country by hopefully scribbling notes on the subscription card inserts stuffed in copies of Jane Magazine. And then I awake this morning at age 34 to find Kevin Costner in the news. I had to pounce.
Anyone who knows me….
…knows that Costner’s success drives me batshit crazy. I find him bland. I find him positively pointless onscreen. Not in that Meryl Streep “Is she really acting – it looks so easy!” way. In that “I could fall asleep with a Xerox copy of his dialogue under my pillow and get about as much out of the delivery” way. My Kevin Costner beef is likely not even his fault…
…but it is visceral all the same.
I love baseball movies and cannot deny that Bull Durham and Field of Dreams are amazing. But any halfway-handsome actor with two good knees could’ve played either role. Hell, it was the 1980s, a veritable buffet of smirking, receding towheads.
You know how all of Kevin Costner’s scenes were cut from The Big Chill (he was to play the deceased, Alex, in flashbacks but all you see are his sewn-up wrists at the funeral home)? When I learned that I dropped my Grape Nehi and my Algebra book to run to the nearest Blockbuster Video.
You know how Dances With Wolves was the most Oscar-worthy, epic, sweeping, heart-wrenching saga? Well, I don’t, because Kevin Costner bugs me and I wouldn’t see it. Still haven’t.
You know who I think shot J.F.K.? Kevin Costner.
Okay, I take that last one back. He seems like the type who might sue.