Well, that’s a very Lifetime movie-esque title, isn’t it?
Internet, we need to talk about Ke$ha. If you don’t know what a Ke$ha is, please destroy your computer immediately. Your ignorance is so very precious, and I don’t have the heart to take it away from you.
Or I guess you could just, like, navigate to the next post. Whatever. I prefer the dramatic approach.
For those of us who already know who Ke$ha is (and for those of you who don’t but are hell-bent on self-destruction), I apologize in advance. Things are about to get messy.
HOT messy, to be exact.
First, let me clarify: my knowledge of Ke$ha is (for serious lack of a better word) loose. I kind of understand that she is some sort of weird pop musician with a penchant for looking like she just crawled out from under a bus station bench, and I know that the sound of her voice makes me want to sew her mouth shut with embroidery thread. Beyond that, though, I understand nothing. How did she get here? Who is encouraging this? Basically, I know who Ke$ha is, but I do not know why Ke$ha is.
NOT EVEN KE$HA HERSELF KNOWS WHY. Guys, this is worse than I thought.
In an attempt to better understand this love child of a trampy truck stop waitress and…another trampy truck stop waitress holding a vat of body glitter, I’ve decided to break down all the things we know about Ke$ha in the only way I know how: with a handy bulleted list:
A THINKING PERSON’S GUIDE TO THE WHYS AND WHEREFORES OF KE$HA, THE PERSON WHOSE NAME ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF THE PRICE IS RIGHT LOGO
- Ke$ha was born 25 years ago to a woman named Pebe. Pebe is a singer-songwriter, which helps to explain why young Kesha (her actual name) took to music at such an early age. What it doesn’t explain is how Pebe had time to work on all those Disney soundtracks while trying to raise her daughter.
My bad. I was thinking of Peabo. (AGAIN!)
- She and her mother hosted Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie in a 2005 episode of The Simple Life. Of course! The reason why Ke$ha currently looks like something you’d find on a used Swiffer cloth at a Deb store is because she was exposed to Paris Hilton at a young age! Behold the fresh-faced teen at the point of contagion:
RUN, YOUNG KESHA! THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR YOU AND YOUR SORT OF CLAIRE DANES-ISH FACE!
- T-Pain paid her the world’s most backward compliment. Back in 2011, there was apparently a rumor going around that T-Pain and Ke$ha were an item. Mr. Pain responded to the whisperings on Twitter, declaring “I’m not saying @keshasuxx and i had sex or anything I’m just sayin I love that ‘f*ck everybody else’ attitude. …in my opinion, a cool bitch beats out a beautiful girl any day.”
Well, my friend, I think we can safely say no one will ever think you’re banging Ke$ha again.
- She took a picture of herself peeing in the street, then posted the precious moment to Twitter. WHY NOT. My research indicates that Ke$ha rather prides herself on her irreverent attitude, and…I guess she thinks public urination is the ultimate middle finger when it comes to The Man and whatnot? OK then.
- She just got a “SUCK IT!” tattoo on the inside of her lip. I have tried (and failed) five times to write some sort of commentary on this, so I’m just going to refer you to the photo evidence.
Ew, ouch, stop, hello there gold tooth, etc.
I’m going to have to stop here, because it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that the more I try to explain Ke$ha, the more she eludes me (also, the more I try to spell Ke$ha, the more I commit typos and end up with things like Ke%ha and Ke4ha and I AM GETTING FRUSTRATED). Bottom line: I have respect for the woman in that she has actual musical training to her name and has worked hard to get where she is, but…the peeing? The lip tattoos? The general aura of “I probably smell like Marlboro Reds and Corn Nuts?” It just feels so forced and put-on and LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MEEEEE! that I fail to see how she’s going to remain in the public eye for more than a couple more years. Prove me wrong if you must, Ke$ha, but I am here to tell you that once you get about five years older, all these shenanigans are going to land you squarely in TryingTooHardVille, population Jennifer Love Hewitt.