Okay, we all know I’m completely, irrationally cranky about this show and will NEVER reach the bottom of my sack of Things To Be Annoyed By, but can we please — PLEASE — get rid of the useless bit of padding where the designers all assemble on the runway so Heidi can show up in some cracked-out getup? And then she immediately directs them to go assemble somewhere ELSE in front of Tim where they ACTUALLY get the details on the challenge?
Once upon a time, there was the whole secondary model competition going on and this was when the designers had a chance to go all Machiavellian and “steal” each other’s models, but now it seriously consists of nothing but:
1) Designers sit. Camera pans. Suspenseful music is suspenseful.
2) Heidi walks out wearing a plaid tablecloth. “HIIIIEEEEEEEEE.”
3) Heidi delivers some terrible, terrible puns that are supposed to be “hints” or some shit, but of course the viewers already know exactly what she’s talking about because we saw the Next week on Project Runway! clip.
4) Designers interviewfreak. “BUT WHAT COULD THAT MEEEEAAAN?”
5) Heidi leaves (“BYYYYEEEEEEEEE”), presumably to go cash her paycheck for that crazy-intense five minutes of work.
Anyway, we all know what’s coming. Candy store! Unconventional materials challenge! The thing you know is coming and yet the designers are all gasp! And shock! And OMFG!
We’re at Dylan’s Candy Bar. The “Dylan” is Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph. Dylan’s Candy Bar is “not your average candy store,” apparently. I guess because in addition to candy, you can buy t-shirts and rubber rain boots and umbrellas and home decor with the Dylan’s Candy Bar logo slapped all over it. You know, for that real authentic New York experience of buying brightly-colored touristy crap lest ANY PLACE YOU VISIT go undocumented with an overpriced souvenir.
The designers can buy $500 worth of candy. Each. Five hundred dollars. That’s either 1) way too much fucking candy, or 2) way too much fucking expensive candy.
TOURIST WARNING: Every piece of (unwrapped, loose in a bin) candy at Dylan’s Candy Bar has likely been pawed over by a frantic, sweaty reality show contestant. Gross.
There’s actually no shortage of actual fabric at the store, and no shortage of designers who have never watched the show, because several of them start grabbing t-shirts and pillows and such. Noooooooo, you guys!
The designers immediately dive into their super-ambitious plans of weaving and glue-gunning and Modern Day Jackie O-ing. (Riiiiiight.)
The “feud” between NotCostello and Gunny H. Bitchpants is tiresome, boring and needs to stop getting so much airtime. Just hate-fuck already, you two! God.
Alicia (the one with the dreadlocks) is making a one-shouldered overall. A shortall, technically, and she plans to use green candies and crushed up chocolate to make it look like grass growing out of “like, the earth.” The “dirt” will be around each leghole, that will hit the model mid-thigh. Oh, I don’t see how that could possibly go wrong. (Thankfully, she rethinks the muddy poop-legs and leaves them white in the end.) (Zing!)
Sonjia (who I feel like everyone calls Sonji, without the A? am I losing it?), she who I pegged early on with the “taste issues” problem, is gluing giant gummy sharks all over the collar of her dress. Everyone (even Tim) is raving about the giant gummy sharks — claiming they look more like glass, when I dunno, they look like giant-ass gummy sharks to me — but even Ven says she’s his toughest competition.
Buffi-with-an-i-sweet-merciful-Christ is loud and annoying, and probably more interested in being A Big Personality than focusing on her design. She hammers at some umbrellas for a very long time. Hammering umbrellas! Gosh, she’s so wacky and unique!
At least four people are glue-gunning licorice (and mostly only licorice) all over their dress forms, completely in spite of the fact that licorice + hot glue gun is already resulting in carpeting the Parson’s floor with falling-off licorice.
Lantie (hereafter known as “Toast,” as in “She Is”) has nothing on her dress form when Tim arrives and yammers on about iPad cases and booties and…yeah. We all see where this is going.
Dmitry (hereafter known as “Snape,” because…I don’t know. IT’S MY RECAP, I CALL YOU WHAT I WANT) plans to wait until the model fittings to start applying any candy to his t-shirt bodice. Tim has a conniption and practically back-hands him with a rolled-up magazine, like, YOU FOOL. START GLUING.
Fro-Yo is Fro-Yoing all over the place and sighing and gluing a million things on his…dress? My Little Pony cosplay? Some kind of futon that doubles as a Snuggie? Your guess is as good as mine.
The Hipster Who Is Not The Dumpster Hipster (bows to TLo, who are Recap Nicknaming GODS) is doing…something blue-ish that causes Tim to call it his “glue the shit out of it moment.” Oh God, I love him. This show could seriously right itself if they just found a way to incorporate 45% more Tim.
Tim is also blunt and brutal to poor Andrea, albeit deservedly so. She’s making an apron out of oversized candy dots. It’s a not-great idea with an even WORSE execution. She’s sewn the papers together crooked so the rows of candy don’t line up, she’s damaged a bunch of them already and the whole thing looks like a stiff, weird and kind of hideous craft project gone wrong. It’s a million miles away from Laura Bennett’s peanut-sack dress or Irina’s newspaper coat. She is suitably crushed and starts over, then regrets starting over, then gets up and walks off an interview segment and it doesn’t look good.
Toast scraps her original idea (that we never actually saw outside of a sketch, and it’s not clear why she had so much trouble getting anything together) and starts over using the umbrella fabric. She admits there will be some candy on it, but not much, whatever. The entire workroom stares at her. Sonjia suggests maybe she step away for a few minutes. “I’m starting over. Whatever.”
If I were there and maybe having trouble with my own garment, I would probably excuse myself, go out in the hallway and spike an imaginary football, because she just saved all of our asses.
Elena burns herself with a glue gun and throws the biggest damn-ass drama queen fit over it that I have ever seen. yeah, that shit hurts, but… No. You didn’t need to yowl in the bathroom like a drowned cat until the EMTs arrived. The EMTs! For a glue gun burn. Gurl, I have watched people hack their fingers off on Top Chef and make less of a fuss than you. Dial it down.
Day Two Oh God It’s Only Just Now Day Two:
Fro-Yo and Buffi discover that their cotton candy has dried up and shriveled over night. Science!
Toast has glued some of the saddest embellishments on her skirt — jelly beans and chocolate coins, with lots of bonus visible glue — and yet maintains that it’s “girly and edgy” and she’s “never seen anything like it.” Oh, just spread the butter on this one, she’s done.
The models arrive and shit starts ripping and falling apart already. Elena’s nude-colored licorice hits the floor in massive quantities while Gunny H. Bitchpants laughs and pats his own licorice-covered design. (Which is still on the goddamn dress form, so STFU, you horrible little elf-thing.)
HOLY SHIT HEIDI WHAT THE SNAKESKIN OLD-LADY LOUNGEWEAR DOES NOT COMPUTE.
The crackery doesn’t end there, I’m afraid. I — along with the rest of the God-fearing NATION — had the top three pegged solidly as Ven, Sonjia and Snape.
Come on, judges. This was awesome. True, it wasn’t covered completely in candy, but more than met the parameters of the challenge by completely transforming the material. It wouldn’t have been my choice to win, but it deserved to be in the Top 3. Instead, they chose:
Gunny’s weird licorice checkerboard thing, which was already shedding candy left and right. By the time this got back in front of the judges we were in full-on cognitive dissonance mode, as it melted under the lights and was covered in big bald patches while the judges continued to heap praise on it. (And the fact that he glued a “Dylan’s Candy Bar” ribbon to the shoes. Whaaaat?)
Also, peplums are the new capelets. Total bullshit.
Sonjia definitely delivered on the “wow moment” Tim predicted, because this ended up looking quite lovely and IMPECCABLY done. Not a single candy fell out of place. But while the colors are beautiful and all, I do think it’s a bit over-designed. Too many flaps around the skirt and that head piece was maybe a little silly. Still, though, a really solid entry from the blue-haired girl.
But I knew Ven was the winner. I’d been expecting the rock candy colors to be a little brighter/bolder — but according to Nina pastels are “on-trend” right now, which…okay. But this is beautiful, clean and actually looks like a dress he would design anyway, rather than a costume or basic random shape he came up with simply to survive the challenge.
I’m calling it: Ven will be our winner, unless he falls victim to not being “interesting” enough. Let’s hope he’s got some family tragedy or gender reassignment secret in his back pocket somewhere.
Oh, dear. Elena, who VERY NEARLY BURNED TO DEATH over this dress, is in the bottom. Obviously. Even before the licorice started falling off en-masse, this was bad. Her boobs look like eyes and the crotch area looks like a mouth, giving the whole thing an unfortunate Macaroni Tiki vibe. Terrible.
Seriously, designers: At some point, before you’re in too deep with a design, take a step back. Do you see Eyeball Boobs or Crotch (and/or Butt) Mouths? If so, RETHINK.
I know Lorelai Gilmore was last week’s guest judge, but there’s not much more to say about Buffi’s design (and the accessories) than: Oy, with the poodles already.
The judges were pretty harsh this week — especially Nina, who seemed downright furiously murderous — but it was almost unnecessary to heap critiques on Elena and Buffi when everybody knew Lantie was Toast and Toast was Lantie. There is not one SINGLE thing about this look that is not terrible. It’s…so, so embarrassingly bad when someone gives up this completely. I was most baffled by the “booties” she “designed.” She cut the rainboots all jagged and crooked at the ankles and then sloppily wrapped ribbon around them? What the HELL? And then tried to complain about time constraints? Oh, honey, just…pack your knives or whatever you brought with you and go.
Next week: Designing for the Emmys! AND for previous Project Runway contestants! Including Anya, Mila, April, Irina, Valerie, Laura (!!!) and Kenley. Hide yo cats, this is gonna be GUD.
About Amy Corbett Storch
