The 2012 Summer Olympics in London, England are mere weeks away! It’s time to stand up and make some noise! (Or, if watching with the Queen, just do a polite air clap against your tea cup.)
Jade Jones, Great Britain: Taekwondo
19-year-old Jade Jones of Flint, Wales is the current Youth Olympic Champion in Taekwondo. After coming in third at the European Championships, Jones says she is on target to peak at the games in London. She will totally KICK YOU IN THE HEAD. And then, while you’re bent over trying to find the contact lenses that flew out of your eyeballs, she’ll KICK YOUR ASS. And the first ass she’s going to kick is going to be mine. Because I wrote something as stupid as “babe ability.”
Larissa Franca and Juliana Silva, Brazil: Beach Volleyball
Standing at 9’11″ and 8’9″, Brasil’s Larissa Franca and Julina Silva would like to remind you that they are NOT wearing bikinis so that viewers can more easily ogle their rock hard, finely-tuned physiques. And anyone who even considers it risks a ball spiked to the head from lofty heights. These women are wearing bikinis because they are hot. As in sweaty. Because looking that fierce is a tough job.
And their bikini tops don’t say “BRA” because beach volleyball players are dumb jockettes who are likely to mix up their uniforms and wear their panties on their heads. “BRA” stands for Brasil. And it actually took me a full three minutes to figure that out. Also, I have panties on my head.
If Franca and Silva have their way, USA’s Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh will not be claiming their third Olympic gold. Either way, someone is going home with sand in her swimsuit.
Jessica Fox, Australia: Canoe Slalom
Okay, WHAT? There’s canoe racing in the Olympics? When is this stuff on? Why am I always stuck watching curling or the qualifying rounds for table tennis?
Jessica Fox is from Australia, she’s 18 years old, and she’s also the Youth Olympics Canoe Slalom Champion. What was I doing when I was 18 years old? Drinking. And writing bad poetry.
Nowadays, I do own a kayak. I paddle it around on a calm pond, just shooting the rapids in my mind.
Chantae McMillan, Sharon Day, Hyleas Fountain, US: Heptathlon
Heptathlon: 100m hurdles, shot put, high jump, 200m, javelin throw, long jump, 800m.
I’m ready for an ice pack and a nap, how about you?
Shout out to Hyleas Fountain who hails from my neck of the woods, Harrisburg, PA. Whoot!
Holley Mangold, US: Weightlifting
So, according to her Wiki, in 2007 Holley Mangold was in a head-on car collision and saved herself by holding back the steering wheel as the impact was forcing it towards her. Read that again. She basically told the car accident “NO” and did a Superhero move to make it stop.
Damn. Holy damn. I pity the barbell.
Yevgeniya Kanayeva, Russia: Rhythmic Gymnastics
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh for freaking freak, this bendy-bouncy-the-ball stuff is NOT a sport. It’s a Cirque Du Soleil act. The scoring is subjective, the so-called athletes wear sequins, and they compete to karaoke show tunes. FOUL. Next!”
My eldest kid is a figure skater, and I hear this all the time. Whatever.
Before you send the poor rhythmic gymnasts packing with their sad little hoops and ribbons in tow, watch this video.
Now, tell me the Olympics would truly be a better place without this titillating display of precision and flexibility. I’ll wait for you to finish with your cold shower.
Yelena Isinbayeva, Russia: Pole Vault
Two-time Olympic gold winner, Yelena Isinbayeva’s world record is 5.06 meters. Yeah, yeah, I’ll do the math for you: that’s 16 feet and 7-ish inches.
The vaulting part? Impressive. The falling back down from 16 feet in the air? OMFG.
Mary King, Great Britain: Eventing
Mary King is about to compete in her sixth Olympics. Mary King is 51 years old. She has outlasted fifteen horses. In 2001, she broke her neck after falling from a horse. Evidently and eventually, she got back on.
Lodge your complaint as you will against the cruelty to animals. It is still worthwhile to note that Eventing is one of the few Olympic sports in which women (and horses) compete alongside and against men (and horses). The horses seem mostly to be geldings (think “manly bits lopped off”), so I’m not sure how that settles in the mix.
Spanish Synchronized Swimming Team
From the photo, one might assume some sort of watery exorcism is taking place.
Let’s not hate on the goofy sports. Synchronized swimming – as with rhythmic gymnastics, as with figure skating – takes an underestimated amount of strength, balance, flexibility, and stamina. You know those women in the water aren’t standing on the bottom of the pool while balancing other women on their heads, right? Just checking.
There’s room for all kinds of strong beauties in the Olympics. Even ones who earn points swimming to “Stairway To Heaven”. For real.