Holy spaceballs, you guys. Who was watching the season finale of The Bachelorette last night? It was so chock full ‘o awkward that I can barely contain myself. So let’s start at the beginning.
I was never a big fan of Jef Holm because he looked about 15 years old, despite the fact that he’s, like, 27. This didn’t mesh well with my assessment of Emily’s age, which I estimated to be about 34, despite the fact that she, too, is still in her twenties. Maybe it was her teeth. But last night, when they showed the two of them during their final date, and we saw Jef interact with Ricki, for a moment I could totally see it. They were cute together, if not…off.
But then there was Arie, and COME ON, the dude was a freakin’ dreamboat. And not nearly as awkward. The season favorite for much of the show, it was a shock to most of us when Emily broke up with him the day before the final rose ceremony. The ultimate sucker punch, however, was that the final proposal was so anticlimactic that I kind of thought maybe we’d ALL been punk’d. Let’s review:
1. The Location
WHERE DO I BEGIN.
Should we start with the plywood platform on which the princess stands, awaiting her prince? Did they not have time to paint it? Was there not a BRIDGE or some shit in all of Curacao? Because if you keep looking, you’ll also see that those window shutters that are scattered behind her are also propped up on planks of wood. Do you think they had those flown in especially from Pier One Imports? Thank goodness for the “Village Square” sign, because otherwise I would have thought this was the courtyard of some rental property! AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THOSE BIZARRE VASES. (DO THEY ONLY COME IN ONE SHAPE? AND WHY ARE THERE NO FLOWERS IN THEM? OMFG.)
If you contrast this final proposal with some of the ones we’ve seen in recent Bachelor and Bachelorette history–you know, the ones where they are HELICOPTERED in to breathtaking, remote locations–this is just…bizarre.
2. The Stiff Touching (heh)
The proposal itself was soooooooooo awkward. I mean, I guess we could chalk it up to nerves, but Jef himself seemed like he was detached from the entire situation. Perhaps he was having an out-of-body experience, I DON’T KNOW. But their body language was stiff, Emily kept making these little squeaking noises, and Jef has this thing for talking while simultaneously making out with Emily. And then there was the fact that they were standing like a couple of kids at a Catholic school dance, with a balloon keeping them a proper distance apart. This is all shadowed, perhaps, by the fact that Emily took an eternity to actually say YES when Jef popped the question. And at the final rose ceremony, she explained it away with roughly 1528 excuses ranging from MY IMAGE! to I was SHOCKED! to I was just taking it all in?
3. The Entrance of Ricki
Oh, JFC, this poor child. After the terribly awkward proposal, the producers have six-year-old Ricki run out to the newly proposed couple like a little puppy. Then then join hands and walk toward what appears to be a parking lot, both Emily and Jef unsure of what to say, and little Ricki giggling awkwardly.
Did I mention that Jef is, like, a gajillionaire? For some reason, this seems to clear things up a bit for me.
Mazel, you two awkward, crazy kids.