Twi-hards around the world are shaking their heads in disbelief thanks to Kristen Stewart’s sudden conversion from vampire to trampire. At least that’s how many are categorizing the actress now that she’s copped to cheating on her Twilight costar and boyfriend of three years, Robert Pattinson.
But they look so happy.
What’s more, the man she hooked up with was none other than the one who directed her in Snow White and the Huntsman — Rupert Sanders.
What’s more, more? Rupert not only directed Stewart, but also directed his wife, Liberty Ross, who played (get this) Stewart’s mom in the film. Which is totally movie incest when you do the math. Sorta.
Hey, real quick, am I the only one who thinks that Kristen Stewart looks a bit like ice-queen extraordinaire Dr. Lilith Sternin of Frasier Krane fame?
Anyway, a remorseful Stewart apologized for her transgression while simultaneously professing her love for Pattinson not once, but twice.
“This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him.”
Which conjures up images of Goodfella’s Jimmy, um, Two Times. (Get it? Two times? Like two timer? Oh, never mind…)
Anyway, Stewart’s mea culpa doesn’t seem to have done the trick. If recent reports are to be believed, Pattinson has moved out of the LA home the young couple once shared.
And, while most all Twilight fans are having a hard time coping with the news, I doubt anyone’s taking it quite as hard as this poor gal. Go ahead and zip forward to the 3:21 mark.
So first, someone run out and get that woman a hobby. Or a kitten, maybe.
But next, I just don’t find this as unbelievable as some. I mean, maybe it’s just because I’m a ruthless and jaded prick. Or, maybe it’s that I’ve never been into the whole Twilight deal. But whatever the reason, a Hollywood affair seems pretty damn believable to me.
I know, I know. Rob Pattinson is this total heartthrob while Kirsten Stewart, we’ve established, channels her inner Lilith. So why would she be cheating on him? Right?
Well, consider the man she hooked up with. Forget for a moment that he sorta looks like a handsome Pee-Wee Herman and instead consider this: Rupert’s a totally kickass name. Which is why dudes named Rupert get the girlies. Think about it. There’s, um, let’s see, well, there’s Rupert… Murdoch. Cat is loaded, y’all. You telling me he has a hard time with the ladies with all that coin?
And he’s really the only famous Rupert I can think of, but I did go to college with a kid named Rupert Siler and I’m here to tell you, that guy got more ass than a toilet seat.
So that establishes that. But why would Rupert Sanders cheat on his lovely model/actress wife?
While I can’t answer that, I can tell you this: brother clearly has a type. I mean, check this pic out and tell me that his wife doesn’t have a quarter cup of Lilith inside her, too.
So yeah, unlike that chick in the YouTube video, I can totally believe this happened. It’s sad, no doubt. But I can totally see it.
What I can’t see, though, is how they’re gonna promote Breaking Dawn, which premiers in November. That’s gonna be a touch tricky. Maybe Lilith could be employed as a double or something.
About John Cave Osborne
