*Writers Note: I understand that some of the descriptions and generalizations that I make below can be construed as “mean.” I only feel free making them because the people involved agreed to do this type of show and are more than aware of how they knowingly carry themselves.
This Wednesday marks the debut of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, a spin-off of reality nightmare-fuel Toddlers and Tiaras. I’m going to take a couple of Motrin while you watch the trailer…
Well, at least we found the family that ate the Palins. I don’t want to punish them. I’m just glad I know where they are.
I am at a loss at the moment. TLC, which, if you’ll remember, stood for THE LEARNING CHANNEL, was already up for charges of war crimes by bringing Toddlers and Tiaras into the world, but there are no words for the fear I felt while watching that trailer. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, stars pageant toddler Alana Thompson, the titular Honey Boo Boo, and her sarcastic quotes “wacky” family and their adventures in, oh let’s call it, Tennisippibama. Right, now my body is rejecting this show like a previously diseased baboon kidney. I can’t tell if it’s going to end life as we know it or be the best show on television ever.
I am become Honey Boo Boo, Destroyer of Worlds.
Let’s run down the things that we learn about this show from the trailer:
- We’ll be reading the same amount of subtitles that we would see at a Kurosawa film festival.
- Sister Lauryn, aka Pumpkin, is “the craziest.” Being singled out as “the craziest” in this family is akin to pointing out Genghis Kahn among a meeting of history’s greatest murderers. ”Sure we all kill people, but none of us can touch Kahn.”
CARFUL WIT DAT! DAT TUPPAWURE IS YER DOWRY!!!
- Sister number two is Anna, aka Chickadee. We see her in the trailer getting an ultrasound while Honey Boo Boo looks on. She’s described as the “pregnant-est”. Which indicates one of two terrifying things. She’s either A) so incredibly pregnant that she has the same gestational cycle as an African elephant or B) every member of this family is pregnant, but she’s carrying the most babies. Each theory makes me want to throw myself into an idling wood chipper.
Three more pregnancies and the next one’s free, right? WHADDYA MEAN “NO”?!
- Sister number three is Jessica, aka Chubbs. Honey Boo Boo goes on to describe that she is her favorite of the sisters. She says something specific about Chubbs, but I couldn’t understand her because I guess by that point the subtitlists had taken their own life.
Why am I Chubbs?! My pants are the only ones that don’t have to come from Tarp World!
- Then we are introduced to “the boss” of the family, Mama. Mama—who I’m assuming is the result of when Divine from Pink Flamingos and a catcher’s mitt had an unwanted pregnancy and then left the infant at the doorstop of a Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s—appears to spend a vast majority of the program chasing people, smearing them with assorted gravies, and spraying them with a hose, which I pray is only spraying water.
Fun fact! This is neither a stroke nor an orgasm. It’s a Strokgasm. After this shot, everyone in the parking was sick for a month.
- Then we get to Sugar Bear, the baby-daddy of this brood. He enjoys ATVs, being trapped under heavy things, and the blissful nothingness that is his self-inflicted narcolepsy.
Sigh. I woke up this morning…uh…what’s the phrase…”alive“.
-Then there’s:
- A declaration that this family excretes far too much estrogen. Maybe that’s why I’ve got inexplicable, excruciating cramps right now.
- The tender mother/daughter experience that is getting ready for this f$&#ing pageant.
- Family bonding time in assorted muds, slops, and slurries.
- What did Honey Boo Boo just smear in her sister’s face? WHAT WAS IT?!?!
All Imma say was it twerent mud…
- Sugar Bear gets in an ATV accident. The last time he had that many ribs crushed, Pumpkin was conceived.
- I’m a little rusty on my pig speak, but I believe that piglet just said, “Even I know this is base exploitation and degrading.”
- Lot’s of dancin’! Especially in the middle of the road.
- DEAR GOD! WHAT’S IN THOSE BABY BOTTLES?!
And, it’s over. So, it’s safe to say, I’m terrified about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. What about you? Will you be watching on Wednesday? Does this count as harmless reality fun? Or is this family playing up its own dysfunction for the sake of fame at the price of a little girl’s childhood? Wasn’t Toddlers and Tiaras punishment enough?
About Joe Lyons
