Here’s the long and short of it: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a 50th wedding anniversary party for Brad’s Bible-thumping mom and dad, Jane and Bill. The party is in France, and is apparently taking place some time this weekend, but BECAUSE of the buzz and BECAUSE the Pitt-Jolie jeweler is said to be in attendance, everyone is speculating that this is really going to be their WEDDING, and not some lame old-person party.
Obviously there isn’t much of a story here, but like a true journalist, I’m going to run with it. RUN LIKE THE WIND.
Most of the details for stories like this come from our beloved “inside sources.” Lucky for you, I happen to have my own inside sources that have intimate knowledge of the Pitt-Jolie affair. We’ll call them Your Mom* and My Butt*.
According to My Butt, Jolie will be walked down the aisle by no one at all because, “she is a feminist and doesn’t buy into that old sexist bullshit.” She will be wearing a sleek, slim wedding gown that was custom designed by someone either well-established or up-and-coming, and will be more of an evening gown than a wedding gown.
My Butt goes on to say that the children will not be a part of the wedding party, but will be sitting front and center, since the wedding “is really more for the kids than anything else.” Rumor has it that it that Chick-Fil-A offered to sponsor the event, but Pitt and Jolie shamefully declined.
Your Mom claims that the wedding is going to be intimate, with only close friends such as…the jeweler?…in attendance. George Clooney and his arm candy will also fly in for the ceremony. George is going to bring some “great Cubans” so he can light up with his best friend and crack jokes about his “ball and chain.”
There is also speculation that, since Jolie basically considered Kristen Stewart her understudy in life, the couple will have a moment of silence during the wedding reception for KSTew and RPatz’s failed relationship. “Guests will light candles and have a chance to say a few words about the beloved couple, all of them praying that the duo will weather the storm unscathed,” says Your Mom.
Security will be tight, but we’re hoping that some images of the exclusive event will emerge from My Butt. Stay tuned!
*Pseudonyms offered by my children, 3 and 5.