Last week we rolled around in the deliciousness of the properly coiffed lip ferret with our Celebrity Mustache Hall of Fame (the glory! the power!), but I’m sad to say, not every mustache is a good and honorable mustache. I can’t fault a guy for trying it once (or twice) but some men just weren’t cut out for the old west. Gentlemen, know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. As an old-fashioned mustache lover, I just won’t stand for anything less than your best effort.
Orlando Bloom
Oh god, remember when this happened? He was hot stuff coming off of The Lord of the Rings, even though no one really wants to admit in public that they had the hots for an elf like YOU or ME. Nope, definitely nobody I know. Orlando’s next big project was Pirates of the Caribbean and he showed up with this little mustache… thing… and cued the sounds of thousands of panties around the world being firmly pulled back up. ELASTIC SNAP. I even liked him in Pirates! But the special magic was gone.
John Travolta
Remember back when John Travolta was an enjoyable actor and seemed a lot less wacko? Yeah, me too. Good times. Anyway, he grew this incredibly stark face-framer for The Taking of Pelham 123 and it looks a lot less “mob boss” and a lot more “amateur wrestler/my scary neighbor.” He’s got the growth power to fill it in impressively, but that doesn’t mean it suits his face.
Matthew Broderick
Pasty Weasle Man says that your table will not be ready for another twenty minutes unless you can slip him a fifty.
I have, in many other situations, found Matthew Broderick reasonably adorable, and he’s certainly likable enough– but he should not do this. Full stop. Evidently he was testing out various styles for a theater role earlier this year, and I vote NOT THIS ONE.
Jonathan Rhys Myers
I had to do a triple-take when I saw this and then use the Google to try and fix what the hell was happening in my brain. Former star of The Tudors, model, and all around heartthrob …and his leeetle skinny whisker trail. Many women find Jonathan Rhys Myers‘ face quite fine enough on its own, really. He either needs to grow it all the way in, and give the damn thing a real try, or just accept that he’s one of those men who needs to see a barber regularly. Don’t mess with success, dude.
Ja Rule
Okay, I know that Ja Rule barely skims qualifying for a “celebrity” at this point, unless you count tax evasion, but this is just an insult to facial hair connoisseurs everywhere.
Vince Vaughn
Now the caveat here is that he grew this pube-stache for Starsky and Hutch, so he was supposed to look like a 70s porn star on purpose I guess. It’s… whatever. I have never cared for Vince Vaughn, so the sight of him with this crime on his face is like pasting a pictures of sad puppies over a picture of no bacon. Once he shaved it off, he just went back to being no bacon, but please, think of the puppies.
Justin Bieber
Ah ha ha, just kidding. THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?
Give it 10 or 15 more years, kid, then we’ll have “the talk” (about mustaches).
Who else needs an honorable mention and a free trip to The Art of Shaving?
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About Jamie Jamerson
