Now before you start harping on me for trying to exploit the bizarre lifestyle of these young to not-so-young celebrity offspring, let me just tell you that I’m totally just speaking towhat’s in their best interest. Yes, that’s right. Writing a tell-all book will likely be fully therapeutic. It will also reign in that cash that they so desperately need after their parents are found out to be frauds/witches/pyramid schemers/addicted to plastic surgery/the most hated people on the planet.
Stop it. You know I’m right.
1. Suri Cruise
Listen, before you start yelling things like TOO SOON or HOW CRUEL or GET A LIFE, let’s keep in mind that this girl is going to come out of her parent’s divorce relatively unscathed. She’s young enough, rich enough, stylish enough, and goddamnit PEOPLE LIKE HER. However. You just KNOW girlfriend is going to have some shit to sort through. For example:
What WAS that spaceship that Daddy always kept hidden under a tarp in the garage?
Why did Mommy spend so much time brushing her hair and staring into the mirror?
Who were those Men in Black that would read me my bedtime story every night?
How did those people at church always know to find me hiding in the closet?
And who would it harm to have us listening in on those answers?
2. Frances Bean Cobain
Listen, we all know that Courtney Love is a less-than-stellar mother. And poor Frances Bean has had to suffer through her childhood and young adulthood with a mother who struggled with addiction, made an ass of herself, and publicly feuded with people who weren’t even sure who she actually was. This is all on top of the fact that Frances Bean lost her father as a toddler. Can you imagine how many people talk to her about Kurt Cobain? How do you think you’d even respond to something like that?
Other than emancipating yourself from your mother and becoming a successful fashion model.
For real? If this were my situation, I’m PRETTY SURE I’d be a dysfunctional, low-functioning alcoholic with insurmountable credit card debt that carried the weight of my need to feel beautiful and loved. I think we’d all like to know Frances Bean’s secret, here.
3. Apple Martin
Hell, I’d settle for a one-on-one with this little chica. I could care less about her Dad’s whiny voice or her playdates with Blue Ivy and the like, but I’d be insatiable in my quest for details about her Mother Dearest.
How do you feel about your name? Does your mother have a forbidden fruit fetish?
Did you hate her as much as we did?
What does GOOP really stand for?
ARE YOU YOUR MOTHER’S GENETIC CLONE?
4. Zachary Jackson Levin Furnish-John
LOOK AT THAT BLUE STEEL, YOU GUYS.
The stories this little dapper boy will have will trump all of our collective childhoods combined, I’d wager. And his story-telling voice is totally going to be the kind that makes you feel like a dull turd and love every minute of it.
Thank you, child-man, may I have another?
5. The Gosselin Kids
Please. Does this one even need an explanation? I think Kate may need therapy even more than her children by the time THESE books are published.