My ears perked up on Monday when I heard a co-worker gasp, “Bill Cosby died?!?!” I immediately checked CNN, The New York Times, and TMZ, but found nothing. Before I dared to venture over to Twitter or Facebook, I heard my co-worker update her earlier report: “Oh, wait. No. Actually he didn’t die. What the hell?” I wanted to tell her, from my vantage point as a Wise Old Lady of the Internet, that these celebrity death hoaxes happen pretty regularly. I had fallen for one that reported that Jeff Goldblum had died the same day that Michael Jackson also died and my husband still hasn’t let me hear the end of it.
This wasn’t even the first time that the hoax report of Cosby’s death had flamed through the internet. The troll who started this most recent panic expressed pride for teaching everyone a lesson about using social media as their main news source. Which is, like, so brave and smart. Somebody give this guy his cookie.
But what if Bill Cosby had actually died? Dude is 75, so we know it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. We’re going to have to start preparing ourselves for a Cosby-less world. What will that look like?
Pudding Pops Won’t Be Quite as Delicious
Because there won’t be the person who loves pudding pops this goddamned much to sell them to me.
Holy shit, do I want a splendiferous pudding pop right now.
Sweaters Will Be Duller
Let’s face it: no one could ever rock a nighttime-city-skyline-firework-display pullover like this guy.
Women Won’t Know How to Do Lamaze Breathing Properly
I had a C-section with my one and only kid, so I didn’t really get a chance to put this into action, but I fully intended to do the Cosby method of, “Whee-whoo-whee-whoo PUSH PUSH!”
Zip Zop Will Zippity Zoop
Because frazzle ropple razzle in the nazzle. Also: stopple.
The Man Who So Perfectly Captured Beatings Will No Longer Walk Among Us
Before anyone scolds me for laughing about beatings: sorry. I know corporal punishment isn’t accepted anymore (and rightly so) but things were different years ago and some of us have humorous anecdotes that sound a lot like this.
May you have many more years ahead of you, Bill. And hey, at least you know how devastated people will be when you finally do shuffle off this mortazzle coitizzle.