The attorney representing Kim Kardashian‘s ex-husband Kris Humphries in the divorce trial of the century [21 employees half-watching TMZ on their lunch break] reportedly served Kanye West a subpoena hidden in a Nordstrom box delivered to Kim’s home. Clever ruse, Lawyer Person. Until you remembered there’s only one ‘m’ in Nordstrom.
Only a Kardashian would be unsurprised to find an unexpected haul from Nordstrom on her doorstep.
No word on whether Kim opened the box addressed to Kanye or wisely ignored it. I mean, everyone knows messing with fake mail is a fake federal offense. Besides, Kanye can afford Saks. A clear scam.
I thought you said you were gonna let me finish?
The subpoena to Kim’s current flame Kanye is one of many from Humphries’ team: to Kim’s mom/manager Kris Jenner, to producers NBC Universal and Bunim/Murray, and so on. Humphries is seeking an annulment on the grounds that his brief marriage to Kim was perpetrated to raise her profile and boost her ratings as a fixture on two E! reality shows.
What?! *clutches pearls, faints*
I LOVE that the lawyer hid the subpoena in a Nordstrom box. Because it just proves that not only are the mega-rich and inexplicably famous a little bit clueless about the real world, so are their legal counsel. I’ve heard that they have to be sneaky in serving people, pretending to be a delivery driver, a passerby, a florist. But hiding it in a box and, what, waiting in the bushes to see what happens? Priceless. Maybe the subpoena was attached to a string so they could yank Kanye into the yard and trap him with a giant net. Did this attorney attend ACME University? Laverne and Shirley Wesleyan?
I did two years at Bosom Buddies Tech and then transferred.
I would like to volunteer my services to Humphries’ legal team in case they have more subpoenas to drop off and are fresh out of ideas. First, there’s the prep work. Like any endeavor, the screwball subpoena requires a carefully honed style and approach. First, you must frequent middle school drama clubs, possibly racist theme restaurants, or anyplace where fake mustaches, oversized sombreros, and lens-less glasses are de rigeur. You’ll become so comfortable in your clever disguise, the object of your subpoena will likely never see you coming. Then you must physically train: learn to carry a potted plant and sing “duhduhduhduh” at the same time, in 10 second intervals. I recommend daily drills.
Equally good at hiding. Photo by: Julia Miller / Tigard Photography
Once you’ve got your A game, it’s time to execute. Some ideas to get you rolling:
- Paint a black semi-circle on the side of mountain. When your target inevitably drives his or her car into the dead-end, hand them the subpoena . Don’t forget your “Subpoena!” sign.
- Deliver a giant turkey leg and single rose on a silver platter, all atop a linen-drapped service cart. I will hide under the tablecloth and burst out when the time is right.
- Two words: “trojan horse.”
- Strategically place golden subpoenas in chocolate bars in convenience stores all over Los Angeles County. It will take time and there will be collateral damage [when Mike Teevee shows up in court] but it will pay off.
- Pretend to haunt an abandoned amusement park. When you’re finally unmasked, present the subpoena as you’re being hauled away. Note: this only works if you’re subpoenaing a meddling teenager.
“‘My insides contort with potent, needy, liquid desire…’ Jinkies! What is this? ‘Fifty Shades of Crap?’”
This is handy advice not only for fancy Hollywood lawyer types. You at home can benefit, too. Just run out now and buy stock in fake moustaches and sombreros. I predict that revenue is about to soar!
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About Molly Martin
