You might have heard that Lisa Welchel (aka Blair Warner from Facts of Life) will be competing on the next season of Survivor. This is fascinating to me for many reasons, but mainly because the last time I saw Blair, she was fluffing her hair, belting blouses into long skirts and calling “Daddy” every time she found herself in trouble.
Blair Warner was the epitome of a rich spoiled private school brat and would never ever have imagined herself eating pig intestines and sleeping under a wet tarp without a toothbrush on reality television at the age of 49.
But as someone who hasn’t tuned in to Survivor in about ten years, her addition just made me set my DVR.
In fact, I think Survivor should take this one step farther. Instead of just one token Facts of Life cast member, why not throw them all in the mix?
Natalie, Tootie, Jo, Mrs. G and maybe even George Clooney?
Here’s my prediction of how it would all go down:
Jo, being the obvious threat, would be ganged up on at the start. Mrs. G and Clooney would form an alliance. Natalie and Tootie would turn on each other while unsuccessfully trying to locate a water source. Blair would piss everyone off by eating the lion’s share of the food, insisting that she needed it for her complexion. One by one, they would all get picked off at tribal council until Molly Ringwald was the only one left standing.
Then a shocked Jeff Probst would turn to camera and say, “Molly Ringwald was on Facts of Life?”
And Molly would reply, “Yep, under the radar always wins.”
But if we could only have one Facts of Life cast member on Survivor, I am very satisfied with Blair. I just hope she sticks it out long enough so that the producers have adequate footage to create one really awesome survival montage set to The Facts of Life” theme song.
“You take the good, you take the bad” has a whole new meaning when it’s placed against visuals of Blair wiping a sweaty bandanna under her armpits in lieu of a shower and trying to get the knots out of her hair with a stick.
“When the world never seems to be living up to your dreams” should be saved for the inevitable crying breakdown after a particularly cold, rainy night, sleeping under a wet tarp on a bed of rocks next to a guy with ridiculously bad B.O.
Also, if Lisa Welchel makes it to the episode where they are reunited with a family member, wouldn’t it be awesome if everyone else gets to see their parents or their kids and the producers stick Lisa with Nancy McKeon? You know those two hated each other.
Honestly, I hope that Lisa surprises everybody. It must be hard to go through life having a role you played as a teenager define your entire existence.
So Lisa— bring a brush as your luxury item, practice your fire making skills and be prepared to fight.
I’m rooting for you.