The following is an exclusive excerpt from Adam Avitable’s new book, Interviews with Dead Celebrities.
Name: Heath Ledger
Born: April 4, 1979
Died: January 22, 2008
Profession(s): Actor
Best known for: Heath Ledger, an Australian actor, made 10 Things I Hate About You watchable, had gay sex with Jake Gyllenhaal, but will always be remembered for the way he owned the part of the Joker so well that it can never be played again by anyone, ever.
Fun fake fact: My name was almost Heath Adam Avitable, and I’m confident that he and I would have been total BFFs if that had been the case. Thanks, Mom.
***
Note: The following interview took place four years after Ledger’s death.
Avitable: Hi, Heath. Thanks for speaking with me.
Ledger (licks his lips): Oh, it’s no problem, you see. I’ve wanted to talk to someone for a while now.
Avitable: Why’s that?
Ledger: See, I’m mad that nothing worked out like I wanted. My death was part of a bigger plan.
Avitable: What plan?
Ledger (tilts his head): Implicate Mary-Kate Olsen, drive down the stock of their company, destroy Wall Street, cause the country to fight and show everyone that we’re all a bunch of rabid animals who need to be put down.
Avitable: You really take method acting to a new level. You’re still channeling the Joker even in death. It’s impressive.
Ledger: Why, thank you. Your approval is exactly what I needed before I could finally rest.
Avitable: Really?
Ledger: No! HAVEN’T YOU BEEN LISTENING?
*chuckles*
Listen, it’s not you, it’s me. I want to push the world into stepping over every moral line arbitrarily drawn in the sand.
I want everyone to be.
In.
On.
The Joke.
Avitable: Well, someone who wanted people to call him The Joker did murder people at a screening of the latest Batman movie and set up an elaborate death trap with explosives at his apartment. That was chaos and tragedy right there.
Ledger (licks lips loudly): Now that’s delicious. Where’s Batman when you need him? Heh-ha. Heh-ha. Heh-ha-ha-ha.
Avitable: Of course, instead of green hair like the Joker has, he had orange hair, so everyone just called him Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons instead.
Ledger: Now that’s just not funny.
Avitable: Heh-ha. Heh heh heh.
Ledger: Stop it!
Avitable: Why so serious?
Ledger: That’s MY line!
Avitable: HAHAHAHAHA!
Ledger: You’ve ruined it all. You’re worse than Batman.
Avitable (in raspy voice): I’m Fatman.
Ledger: Nooooo!
*
This interview, along with 55 more, are available in Adam’s new book, Interviews with Dead Celebrities, available exclusively through Amazon.com.
