HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS JENNIFER ANISTON GOT ENGAGED TO JUSTIN THEROUX.
Oh, wait, you’re all aware what a Twitter is, so this is old news.
Anyway, now that poor Jen isn’t going to die alone in an attic fire, wearing a tattered wedding dress and clutching a picture of Brad, can we move on?
No? Hokay then. The Today Show‘s resident Bradjenlina expert Bonnie Fuller had this to say in an actual news segment:
“Fans will be breathing a sigh of relief, probably opening champagne themselves. They have been waiting for their friend, Jennifer Aniston, to find Mr. Right …. America has been really worried about Jen … they want her to find happiness, and now it looks like she has.”
Man, thank Christ some man stooped to pick up Brad Pitt’s sloppy seconds and put a ring on it before her vagina dries up. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that before this momentous engagement, Jen was crying herself to sleep every night for eight years, choke-sobbing, “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY LO-O-O-OVE ME-EE-EE?” On a bed made of $100 bills and fitted with 600 thread-count platinum sheets. Because even though Jennifer Aniston is smart, funny, gorgeous, and one of the top ten highest grossing actresses in Hollywood, what is any of that worth if you ain’t got no mans?
Seriously, can we pretty please, as a nation, agree to finally put this narrative to bed? Marriages break up—something like half of them, in fact! Sometimes new relationships start suspiciously close to the end of other relationships and often in those situations one or more people are hurt. But most people get (mostly) over the betrayals and trust issues that often accompany a messy divorce well into their second or third post-split year. And I’m talking right now about ordinary troll-looking people (like me!), not god-people with legs and Benjamins for days, like Jen.
She is okay, you guys. And, also? She’d be just as okay if Justin Theroux (who btw was my imaginary boyfriend well before he started shacking up with Jen, but you don’t see me going all Miss Havisham, do you?) didn’t want to marry her because WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE WANTS TO PUT DIAMONDS ON YOUR FINGER AND SHOP FOR CATERERS WITH YOU IS NOT INDICATIVE OF YOUR WORTH AS A PERSON OR THE VALUE OF YOUR LIFE FOR FUCK’S SAKE.