“Women on the go?” More like “designers on the lam, fleeing from this wack-ass show left and right.” AMIRITE?
So after feeding the press a lot of rumors about mentally unstable contestants and emotional breakdowns, what we actually got was an hilarious mess of an episode. The producers had no control over this plotline, and therefore had no idea how to edit and play it. They can manufacture ENDLESS drama over like, a missing zipper, and can invent entire feuds out of thin air with nothing but some edited together footage of People Possibly Staring At Each Other Across The Workroom, but hand them actual, for-real drama out of the blue and they clearly freak out and everything gets awkward and weird.
Part One: Andrea
TIM GUNN: Designers, Andrea snuck out of the Atlas Apartments in the middle of the night.
DESIGNERS: Yup, we know. We were there. We’ve been standing here for an hour waiting for someone else to notice. Can we sew or something?
TIM GUNN: Not until I make it through all the conversation points the producers just handed to me, including the bit about Andrea POSSIBLY being dead in the gutter or abducted by aliens…
DESIGNERS: *blink blink blink*
TIM GUNN: …and that your contestant contract CLEARLY spells out that we are not liable for keeping you alive and non-alien-probed…
DESIGNERS: We’re doing sportswear this week, right?
MICHAEL KORS: FASHION IS NOT FOR SISSIES! QUITTERS ARE THE WORST! YOU SHOULD BE PROUD AND GRATEFUL GRARRRRRRRRRRR…
Part Two: Kooan
As weirdly emotionless as the designers were over Andrea’s departure (except for NotCostello, who was sure it was ALL HIS FAULT, curse his powerful and articulate words on the runway the night before, it’s so hard to be so honest and truthful and put-upon all the time, etc.), everyone suddenly decided that Kooan was fuck-out-worthy and they all collectively lost their shit over his announcement. Sobbing! Weeping! Everything is terrible now forever! Woe!
TIM GUNN: Designers, gather round, for the producers have now come up with a better Andrea script and we need to re-shoot so we can reframe her as a cowardly, yellow-bellied, unstable…
KOOAN: Hey Tim, Imma leave too, if that’s cool.
TIM GUNN: OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK
And so, other than the return of Raul and his Reverse Cowlick and Heidi awkwardly attempted to ad lib some digs at Andrea and Kooan on the runway (THEY ARE CHICKENS WHO ARE DOOMED TO FAIL AT LIFE. WE WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO CRUSH THEIR REPUTATIONS AND ATTACK THEIR CHARACTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE ANGERED THE KLUM), the rest of the episode was pretty standard and uneventful. Sewing! Time management!
Once again, I really liked Dmitry’s entry, though the judges were divided over it. Wasn’t hoochie enough for Klum or showy enough for the Cheerleader, but Nina and the Korsicle seemed to appreciate the subtle level of technical detail. Though it was weird that this look was criticized for the neutral color when…
…this was our winner. Congrats, Sonji! I wasn’t sure I was going to dig your 80s-like style but you’re really selling it. Definitely a cute look (AND THOSE SHOES! WANT!), but did anyone notice that this dress was completely, ridiculously see through? I couldn’t stop staring at the outline of the model’s thong.
Then again…
Hello, Klum Belly Button and adhesive boob cutlets! So nice of you to join us.
Meanwhile, in the Hot Mess Part of Town…
Raul, who has been going on an on about his menswear background, put together…whatever this mess of a thing was. The vest maybe had some potential (the belt was a bad call and the flaps/points needed to be edited down), but the pants. The pants! The crotch wasn’t merely insane, it was psychopathic.
Luckily for Cowlick, the judges probably wanted to avoid the Most Predictable Offings of All Offings, immediately eliminating the guy they just hauled back in (I’m just so glad they didn’t also drag in Lantie). Plus, Buffi made a taxidermied zebra wrapped in a hot pink trash bag. So that helped.
Bye, Buffi! I’ll miss watching your airbrushed cheetah-hair grow out week after week. Kind of.
About Amy Corbett Storch
