Internet, I am starting to really lose my patience with Taylor Swift.
And not just because someone keeps styling her to look like a Muppet.
She’s bubbly, she’s cute, she’s talented, she has veneers for days, and ever since she emerged on the music scene, I’ve been trying to quell my more cynical instinct to spend, like, four solid hours rolling my eyes at her music and mocking her almost unbelievable naiveté. But with the recent release of her new album, Red, and her new single “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” (UGGNNNNNNNGGGGGH) I am reaching my capacity when it comes to Taylor and her seemingly endless wellspring of OMG YOU GUYS I LIKE HAD THIS BOYFRIEND AND HE TOTALLY HURT MY FEELINGS AND STUFF music.
Can’t you just title every album “John Mayer Was a Total Dick To Me” and move the fuck on?!
Taylor named this newest album Red because—in her words—”all those emotions spanning from intense love, intense frustration, jealousy, confusion, all of that, in my mind all those emotions are red. There’s nothing in between. There’s nothing beige about any of those feelings.” And the songs on the album? “They’re all pretty much about the kind of tumultuous, crazy, insane, intense, semi-toxic relationships that I’ve experienced in the last two years.”
Sorry, guys. I’m clearly failing at letting 22-year-old Taylor be 22 years old (and therefore in a phase of life I like to call “Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen Although I’ve Never Actually Seen Any Troubles”). Maybe I should take a listen to her new single? And try to say something nice about it? OK — BRB.
Huh. Well. I’m…pretty sure it sounds like a perfect song to hear in the juniors’ department in Macy’s? I’m certain it will become quite the anthem for broken hearts in 8th grade homerooms everywhere? I really hope you learned your lesson and won’t ever shtupp a Gyllenhaal again?
OK, I tried, but…a tiny top hat and heart-hands? I’M FUCKING OUT.
[Editor's note: And then after this post went live, I found the following video:
SPOILER, SHE IS LIP-SYNCING TO HER OWN SONG AT SOME SORT OF SONG PREMIERE SLUMBER PARTY WITH LIVE REACTION VIDEOS - Amber]