To paraphrase Ben Franklin’s quip about wine – the CW Network is God’s proof that he loves us and wants us to be happy. Oh, you want actual proof of this?! Crap. Um, well…this is embarrassing. I thought that I could just make any statement on a blog and then you would have no choice but to accept it as fact.
The truth is, I believe the CW Network make us all question the very existence of a loving, benevolent God for, if He did so love the world, why would he allow them to cast this upon us:
And if that weren’t bad enough, I don’t see any sort of divine intervening going on to stop their newest show: The Next: Fame Is At Your Doorstep. It’s the CDub’s much-too-late-to-the-party offering on the whole singing contest show. Because, you know, our world was sorely lacking that kind of programming.
There are a few wrinkles here that try and set the show apart from the other shows in its genre like American Idol, The Voice, Duets, etc. For instance, here you have four mentors of questionable celebrity all going from city to city “surprising” their mentees by showing up on their doorsteps, hanging out around their hometowns for a few days, doing some chores together, maybe shadow them at work, and then coach them on the song that they’ll perform at a showcase where the best of the four will get to go to L.A. for a chance at recording contract.
I made it through the premier last night (barely) because, well, wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be fortified when viewing shit TV. Nothing earth shattering to report. It’s all so staged, it’s such a tired concept, and here are the four celebrity mentors and some of the wisdoms they impart to their charges:
Somewhere in Alaska, a gay Eskimo wanders shirtless.
Joe Jonas - Favorite encouragement to mentee from Episode 1: “You’re good now, but I think, together, we can get you to that next level.”
If my mother named me Nelly, I’d be this jacked, too.
Nelly - Favorite encouragement to mentee from Episode 1: ”You’re at a level right now that’s really off the chain, but I think, together, we can get you to that next level where doors will open and, guess what (?!) more levels”
Industry gossip: Will star as the Cowboy in Village People biopic set to begin filming October 2012.
John Rich - Favorite encouragement to mentee from Episode 1: “It’s all about levels!”
(Hair done by the Miami Wind Machine)
Gloria Estefan - Favorite encouragement to mentee from Episode 1: “Just pay your f**kin’ taxes. And don’t hire family to do your accounting. You think I’d be here doing this s**t if I’d listen to my own advice? Oh, and you’re out rum?”
Somebody. Make it. Stop. Or is this really what you want, America?! Do you really want/need/lust for another show about finding some undiscovered karaoke talent? Haven’t we hit our limit? Yes, we have. And I know you’re with me, because you’re beautiful, intelligent creatures who won’t stand for this any longer…no matter how dreamy Joe Jonas may be.