Remember Randy Travis? He sang country music back in the day. Everyone loved him, his songs inspired the masses, etc.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to drink, drive, get naked, and deceive? Poetry.
Now, he’s a naked drunk. Seriously. OH! And he threatens to shoot and kill cops.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner, y’all!
According to the interwebz, he was arrested for drunk driving—completely naked—the other night after he crashed his car and threatened to shoot and kill the arresting officers. The mugshot almost scared me as much as hearing about that new Honey Boo Boo show. Which is a lot, just in case you were wondering.
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW. No. Hell no.
So, I’ve decided to make a list of things that are way better/cooler/socially acceptable to get caught doing than driving drunk while naked. Randy, take notes.
Stoned Bongo Drums
Soul patches are creepy, Magic Mike-hotness be damned.
Yes, we all remember Matthew McConaughey‘s awesome naked bongo drum session. He was stoned ten ways to Sunday, and we all laughed. Well, I laughed. I think more than a few people were pretty pissed about it. Whatever, it’s cooler than crashing your car naked.
Tweeting Fake Naked Pictures Of Yourself
Porn star, Kim Kardashian, who cares? They’re eerily similar, and it scares me.
Yep. Go Kimye. *slow clap* You guys win over Randy this day. Don’t expect tomorrow to be another winner, though, because you only get one free pass from me. Deal with it.
Being A Stoner Olympian
OH LIKE YOU COULDN’T TELL!
Michael Phelps is the most decorated Olympic Competitor in history. He’s also apparently a stoner, and I’m okay with that. He brings the gold, and he’s hot. That’s pretty much a free pass in my book. Heh. Free pass. AGAIN. If Randy Travis looked like Michael Phelps, he might’ve gotten away with his little crazy stunt, but he’s not, so he didn’t.
Nip-Slips At The Super Bowl
Justin likey.
When was the last time Janet Jackson got praised for doing ANYTHING?! Right meow, folks, because her nip-slip at the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show was WAY cooler. WAY.
Being Autotuned While Talking About Your Undying Love Of Sloths
Yep. Kristen Bell‘s hilarious autotuned video about her love of sloths? Epic compared to being naked and drunk. If you don’t agree, you’ve obviously never seen the video. Please to be clicking. Spanx.
Working For MamaPop
My face. It’s a nice face.
I threw this one in for serious brownie points. I’m hoping I either get lots of lulz, or a pat on the back. Or both.
Manbearpig Sightings
Yep. We all knew this was coming.
So cereal you guys. Manbearpig is pretty much cooler than anyone or anything in the history of ever, the end.
That concludes my list—what are some things you guys think I should’ve added? And, if you’re still in lurve with Randy, sound-off in his defense. I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to talk about pot this much in one article.
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