To say this season of True Blood has been trying would be an understatment on par with, “Jason Stackhouse is kind of dumb.” However, the finale definitely delivered a ton of payback. Alcide, hopped up on some primo V, took JD down Road House style and got the pack to take a reverent knee before their new packmaster. Eric killed Russell (like he should have two fucking seasons ago). Sheriff Bellfleur’s fairy mama gave birth—orgasmically—to quadruplet halflings, said “so, good luck with that!” and peaced out. And Luna and Sam were naked a lot, except when they were flies or Steve Newlin, though I’m pretty sure I spent most of those parts in the bathroom or getting a snack because I. DO. NOT. CARE. ANYMORE. about this shifter plot line.
As for the main story, Beeeel took Salome out with silver-spiked blood while Eric, Nora, and the Bon Temps Superfriends messily dispatched a bunch of red shirts in the attempt to get to Compton before he lost what’s left of his humanity—a mission for which I’m pretty sure they were at least four episodes too late. Jason, meanwhile, was dealing with some major schizotypal visions of his parents (or were they?) that seem to be triggering the Fellowship of the Sun all-fangers-are-trash Jason. However, they certainly posed no negative effect on his marksmanship, and as Jason exploded his seventh or eighth vampire, I couldn’t help but find it a little ironic that vampires call humans ”blood bags”. Have you people seen how your kind expire?
Finally, Eric and Sookeh get to Beeeeel in order to get him to remember back to when he was all “Yay, humans! They’re more than just dinner—they’re friends!” And Beeeel is like, “whatever, Sookeh, you’re an abomination and also a delicious snack. Later for you.” Instead of drinking Sookeh, Beeeel drinks the rest of Lilith’s blood and turns into a puddle like a super gross Alex Mack, only to be resurrected as naked, bloody Beeeelith. For a minute there I got really hopeful that they killed him off, but no. Life is so unfair.
Anyway, unless you watched on your iPad or computer via HBO GO (as I did), you may have missed out on the bonus scene at the end of the credits. You’re in luck, though, because here it is, along with the interactive feature that lets you see what Jason is thinking, because obviously if there’s insight to be gained it’s from inside the brain of JASON FUCKING STACKHOUSE.
“What do you know about Warlow?”
So I guess that’s a thing that’s happening in the next season. Forgive me if I’m more interested in Pam and Tara’s date. Oh, and I guess I’m curious to see what happens with Billith—mostly I’m wondering if he’s going to take a shower or if he’s just going to walk around naked with a big bloody bush like Lilith did. Anyhoo, what did you think of the finale? Will you bother to watch next season or are you, like many True Blood fans, over it?