10 Ways To Fail Tom Cruise’s Wife Audition

09/04/2012 12:00 pm by

The September issue of Vanity Fair contains allegations that Tom Cruise went a-wife huntin’ with the help of auditors from the Church of Scientology before marrying Katie Holmes.  General Hospital actress Nazanin Boniadi tells VF that from 2004-05 she was auditioned by church officials to be the next Mrs. Cruise.  And that it was about as pleasant as this audition:

audition 10 Ways To Fail Tom Cruises Wife Audition

*The sound of one movie nerd laughing*

Naz tells the magazine that Scientology officials reached out to her in 2004.  She was advised to lose her braces, c0lor her hair, and get single right-quick because Tom Cruise was looking to date her.  They did date until 2005 but it ended abruptly, allegedly when she insulted Cruise bestie and Scientology leader David Miscavige, earning her a trip to a work [your cares away because we're all going to space] camp.  Naz, says former Scientologist and pal director Paul Haggis, is coming clean about the church after years of embarassment over her former involvement.

The Church of Scientology says the story is baseless and is, simply, post-Scientology sour grapes.

nazanin boniadi tom cruise 10 Ways To Fail Tom Cruises Wife Audition

Clearly, this woman is insane.

Whether it’s all true or not, we cannot ignore the possibility that Tom Cruise could be auditioning his next wife RIGHT NOW.  It could be you, your best friend, your daughter, your third grade teacher.  Tom Cruise and the Scientologists could be trying to lure you as I write.  And I want you to be prepared should your phone ring…

jerry maguire 10 Ways To Fail Tom Cruises Wife Audition

So here you go, dear readers, because I care:  How not to pass the audition to marry Tom Cruise.

  • Challenge him to a speed-reading test.
  • Throw him an Eyes Wide Shut-themed birthday party then have everyone sneak out while he’s blindfolded.
  • Tell him you loved him in Footloose.
  • Ask him to peer review your Dawson’s Creek fan fic.
  • Ask to see his Oscar.
  • Ask to see his three Golden Globes and, say, “Nice.  Got any Oscars?”

 

Tom Cruise 590x442 10 Ways To Fail Tom Cruises Wife Audition

 

  • Buy him a pair of monogrammed stilts.
  • Ask him, “So, are you religious?”
  • Fill his iPod with Keith Urban songs.
  • Ask if L. Ron Hubbard was the one who lived in the shoe.

Phew!  Just in time.  I think I hear your phone ringing…

tom cruise paycut for mission impooibe 10 Ways To Fail Tom Cruises Wife Audition

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

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About Molly Martin

Molly lives and works in Indianapolis, primarily because of her rabid devotion to "One Day at a Time." Continues to lobby city leaders to change city slogan to "Dammit, Julie!"

Filed Under: Fail, Tom Cruise Tagged With: , , , ,


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  • http://twitter.com/jennamariebee Mrs. Jenna

    Raises hand as the role of “one movie nerd laughing.” That movie was EFFED UP.

    Also, I would ask Tom Cruise to tell me about his middle tooth.

    • MollyGMartin

      Yay Movie Nerds!

  • http://www.gaminnet.info/ Kevin Gamin

    Hey, I thought I was that one movie nerd? #confused

  • http://twitter.com/thisismommyhood Elle

    “Buy him a pair of monogrammed stilts.” I am laughing so hard right now. Thanks!

    • MollyGMartin

      No…thank you :)

  • MollyGMartin

    Very good point, Karen. That wasn’t nice or fair on my part, for sure . I have a random if related Q — I’m sure I’ve only heard partial stories…do you know if he believes Scientology “cured” his dyslexia? I feel like I hear that once and I remember it making me angry *for* him…that it was something that needed curing instead of a different way to adapt to the world.

    • DianaCLT

      Yes. He has said it cured his dyslexia.

      • RiotousDigits

        i think, if HE thinks he’s cured, jokes are fair game. No foul. Game on.

  • Laurinda P

    Thank you, that was hilarious! Awesome! Full of win!