The September issue of Vanity Fair contains allegations that Tom Cruise went a-wife huntin’ with the help of auditors from the Church of Scientology before marrying Katie Holmes. General Hospital actress Nazanin Boniadi tells VF that from 2004-05 she was auditioned by church officials to be the next Mrs. Cruise. And that it was about as pleasant as this audition:
Naz tells the magazine that Scientology officials reached out to her in 2004. She was advised to lose her braces, c0lor her hair, and get single right-quick because Tom Cruise was looking to date her. They did date until 2005 but it ended abruptly, allegedly when she insulted Cruise bestie and Scientology leader David Miscavige, earning her a trip to a work [your cares away because we're all going to space] camp. Naz, says former Scientologist and pal director Paul Haggis, is coming clean about the church after years of embarassment over her former involvement.
The Church of Scientology says the story is baseless and is, simply, post-Scientology sour grapes.
Whether it’s all true or not, we cannot ignore the possibility that Tom Cruise could be auditioning his next wife RIGHT NOW. It could be you, your best friend, your daughter, your third grade teacher. Tom Cruise and the Scientologists could be trying to lure you as I write. And I want you to be prepared should your phone ring…
So here you go, dear readers, because I care: How not to pass the audition to marry Tom Cruise.
- Challenge him to a speed-reading test.
- Throw him an Eyes Wide Shut-themed birthday party then have everyone sneak out while he’s blindfolded.
- Tell him you loved him in Footloose.
- Ask him to peer review your Dawson’s Creek fan fic.
- Ask to see his Oscar.
- Ask to see his three Golden Globes and, say, “Nice. Got any Oscars?”
- Buy him a pair of monogrammed stilts.
- Ask him, “So, are you religious?”
- Fill his iPod with Keith Urban songs.
- Ask if L. Ron Hubbard was the one who lived in the shoe.
Phew! Just in time. I think I hear your phone ringing…