A Guide To Celeb Cred For Applebee’s New Discos

09/21/2012 12:00 pm by

Applebee’s is no longer content to encourage you to eat good in the neighborhood.  They want you to boogie down on the outskirts of town.  Dance all night at the town’s one stoplight.  Get your swerve on by the county Chevron.  Yes, Applebee’s is going disco.

Applebees1 A Guide To Celeb Cred For Applebees New Discos

*techno beat*

America’s fourth favorite (just a guess, I’m no scientist, but they don’t have Cheddar Bay biscuits or unlimited salad) restaurant chain is going glam, with franchises across the country dimming the lights and cranking the beats at 10:00pm to promote a club-like atmosphere for suburban singles.

Applebees mall 590x442 A Guide To Celeb Cred For Applebees New Discos

Ohhhhhhhhh. Thanks. The ‘Celebration’ sign helps.

I have no business sounding like such a snobby shrew: for all the local restaurants and gastropubs and cafes I enjoy, I live in a city that may be the 12th largest in size but has got to be first in the “Can’t Swing a Cat without Hitting a Chain Restaurant” category.  And this woman loves a Bloomin’ Onion.

awesome blossom A Guide To Celeb Cred For Applebees New Discos

Or an Awesome Blossom. The choice between the two is kind of like choosing the version of the Lord’s Prayer.

But a club at Applebee’s?  Did the Florida chamber of commerce where this idea originated think the staff was asking to stack food into neat little triangles speared withva  frilly toothpick?  Or did they look around and think, “Hell, it beats dancing at Chili’s?”  Either way, just as Applebee’s didn’t ask our permission to inexplicably adorn its walls with french horns and Point Break posters, they’re not asking our permission to go all Studio 54 on us.  And if this idea insists of existing, I insist that they take it seriously and start lining up celebrity endorsements now.  Because you know what makes a bad idea better?  Famous people being paid to carp about it…or, even, better bringing shame to their own names while promoting yours.

So, here you go, Club Bee’s promoters.  Here is your can’t-miss road to celeb cred:

  • “You belong at Applebee’s” or so they say.  Why not hire Pat Benatar to rework her soaring rock ballad “We Belong” for TV spots. ”Whenever you deny you’re hungry for more cold bruuu-scheeeeeetttttaaaaaaa.  Dance awhiiiiiiiiile, dance awhile, drink too much,  you’ll think bet-ter…”Pat Benatar A Guide To Celeb Cred For Applebees New Discos
  • Close down Club Bee’s every night with a tribute to Donna Summer.  Film it for your awkward Club Bee’s YouTube channel:  “Last dance, last chance, for  stu-u-uff [under 550 calories on our new Weight Watchers menu until we change it for February Fiesta]!”
  • Reunite the surviving Beach Boys to rewrite and rerelease ”Kokomo,” work in lyrics about “Bahama Mama” and “John Stamos is-a doing blow off a single mom’s abs…Johnny, take it slow.”
  • Ask Carly Rae Jepsen to appear at the opening of every new Applebee’s.  “Kill Me Maybe” will soon be a YouTube sensation.
  • Invite Drake for some delicious spin dip.  Invite Chris Brown to try your new dessert shooters.  Sit back and wait.
  • Hire a Kardashian to show up at the Red Lobster next door.

How else might Club Bee’s go from restaurant chain to off the chain?  And where, Applebee’s corporate, is my gift card?

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About Molly Martin

Molly lives and works in Indianapolis, primarily because of her rabid devotion to "One Day at a Time." Continues to lobby city leaders to change city slogan to "Dammit, Julie!"

Filed Under: Best Of MamaPop, Popular, TV Tagged With: , , , ,


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  • Snarky_Amber

    My mom lives in a tiny 4-stoplight town. Applebee’s is THE SCENE there. It always makes me profoundly sad. :(

    • MollyGMartin

      I remember when Uno’s was *it* when I went home for a funeral. And even with cute eateries in my home town, you always end the night at Chili’s. Or else.

      • DianaCLT

        When I got married, most guests were coming from out of town, so I included a list of Things to Do/Points of Interest. My cousin liked the idea so much, she followed suit…except such a list should simply be outlawed in towns where DENNY’S is the highlight.

  • http://twitter.com/palinode palinode

    Let me tell you the story of the first time I ever went to Applebee’s. It sucked, the end. I was in Cedar Rapids, I think.

    • SuzyQuzey

      I have never been to an Applebee’s. I see no reason to start now.

    • MollyGMartin

      Tell me again, Uncle A, about the Golden Corral in Sioux Falls…

  • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

    Cry-laffing: “You belong at at Applebee’s” or so they say. Why not hire Pat Benatar to rework her soaring rock ballad “We Belong” for TV spots. ”Whenever you deny you’re hungry for more cold bruuu-scheeeeeetttttaaaaaaa. Dance awhiiiiiiiiile, dance awhile, drink too much, you’ll think bet-ter…” And thus, Molly wins at internets today. *jazz hands*

    • MollyGMartin

      *bows, goes to celebrate at Applebee’s*

  • the grumbles

    eatin’ goo in the neighborhoo.

    • MollyGMartin

      Snort.

  • SuzyQuzey

    Pat Benatar would NEVER. But, it’s funny to think she would.

  • Justin

    I can’t improve upon a single suggestion you have here, but I will expose my shame and admit that The Bee’s did serve as my watering hole for a good 4 months in the year of our Lord 2001. And those, my friend, were dark days.

    • MollyGMartin

      The first drink I evere ordered legally was at a Ruby Tuesdays. You are my brother.

      • HeatherMSM47

        Mine was at Ruby Tuesday’s too….only it was the first illegal drink I ever ordered at 18…hahaha

    • HeatherMSM47

      “in the year of our Lord 2001″ made me spit my instant lunch everywhere…thank you.