Now that title is not to suggest that other celebs are doing a bang up job of functioning in society while under the influence. It’s just that, well, with the collective shit show they put on this week, these three make other celebrity partying seem like a birthday party with a bounce house in comparison. ::jazz hands::
After being court ordered to drop her keys in the fishbowl pleaseandthankyou, Amanda Bynes was spotted Tuesday driving aimlessly around town, like the lost little puppy dog/child starlet she is, while smoking drugs out of her drug smoking things. The court order came after multiple hit-and-run allegations and a DUI arrest back in June and—get this—just last night, as we were all snuggled cozily in our beds, dreaming in re-run of her time on All That, Amanda was out and about, illegally driving her really trashed BMW and playing a gentle game of bumper cars.
This poor girl needs a mentor or a sponsor or a friend. Ugh! You can practically hear hearts breaking across the world for the loss of this seemingly normal child star turned lonely, troubled grown up.
Thaaaaaaaaat’s me! Sitting in a tree.
Skipping ahead a few generations we get news that Sally Struthers, yes, Gloria Stivic herself, was arrested for OUI (which sounds more like a feminine condition than something that could be considered cause for detainment) and released on bail in Maine where she is currently performing in a WAY off-Broadway production of 9 to 5 at the Ogunquit Playhouse. While Sally’s camp are denying the arrest, I’m stepping out on a very short limb in saying this incident proves we can’t take her anywhere, especially not to the Ogunquit Playhouse, for the love of Pete!
“Take it from me, Edith, you should not be operating that dish towel under the influence.”
While Amanda’s debacle is growing daily and Sally’s seems to just be getting underway, we step off the Bridge of Influenced Generations into Crazytown, USA. Population: Dina Lohan. A classic case of the apple obviously not falling far from the tree.
In a recent pre-recorded interview with Dr. Phil, Dina appears to be three sheets to the motherfucking wind (maybe four? five? forty-seven?). Hands down, this goes down in history as the best of the best Dr. Phil promo commercials humanity has ever seen because IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH ABOUT LILO! Let’s end this journey through the week in celebrity substance abuse with a video that will make you feel better about yourself than you did three minutes ago. Really.
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