No, no, no, no, NO!!! Amy Poehler! Will Arnett! Kids! What the hell?! You CANNOT do this. You can’t just up and separate after 9 years marriage. You can’t separate EVER! Why?! Because you two are (were?) that rarest of rare breeds: the Hollywood couple that people genuinely felt some sort of attachment to because you seem normal and are so talented. Look, if Annette ever leaves Warren, it’s snoresville. If Brangelina suddenly dissolves, we’ll feel for all 37 of their children, sure, but we won’t be surprised because we all know that much pretty can’t cohabitate for too many years without finally combusting into a flaming stew of perfect skin, swimmer’s builds, and square jawlines.
“We want YOU…to avoid refined carbohydrates!”
But, Amy and Will? You guys were supposed to be tru love forever. What happened? And, more importantly, whose fault is it?! Because I want names and I want answers. And don’t give me that “it’s amicable” bullshit, either. Separations aren’t amicable. You know what’s amicable? NOT separating. Don’t believe me? Here’s an unscientific experiment I just performed with my wife to prove my point:
Me: Honey, I don’t think we should ever separate.
Wife: I find that both an agreeable and wise decision.
But how about this:
Me: Honey, I’m thinking we should separate, but let’s keep it amicable.
Wife: If by amicable you mean I announce that I’m finally separating from my premature ejaculating husband on every social networking site I frequent, then amicable separation it is!
Look, I’m a guy for chrissake, so I really shouldn’t care about this celebrity couple crap, right?! But as corny and pathetic as it sounds, I’m a little bummed about this. Are you? I always thought that this famous coupling was “safe” for some reason. That is completely foolish and short-sighted of me, I realize. People stay as much as they leave, famous or not. But did you see this coming? Does it bum you out at all?
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