Amy Poehler & Will Arnett To Separate Leaving Us To Question Everything Ever!

09/07/2012 10:00 am by

No, no, no, no, NO!!! Amy Poehler!  Will Arnett!  Kids!  What the hell?!  You CANNOT do this.  You can’t just up and separate after 9 years marriage.  You can’t separate EVER!  Why?!  Because you two are (were?) that rarest of rare breeds: the Hollywood couple that people genuinely felt some sort of attachment to because you seem normal and are so talented.  Look, if Annette ever leaves Warren, it’s snoresville.  If Brangelina suddenly dissolves, we’ll feel for all 37 of their children, sure, but we won’t be surprised because we all know that much pretty can’t cohabitate for too many years without finally combusting into a flaming stew of perfect skin, swimmer’s builds, and square jawlines.

brangelina1 Amy Poehler & Will Arnett To Separate Leaving Us To Question Everything Ever!

“We want YOU…to avoid refined carbohydrates!”

But, Amy and Will?  You guys were supposed to be tru love forever.  What happened?  And, more importantly, whose fault is it?!  Because I want names and I want answers.  And don’t give me that “it’s amicable” bullshit, either.  Separations aren’t amicable.  You know what’s amicable?  NOT separating. Don’t believe me? Here’s an unscientific experiment I just performed with my wife to prove my point:

Me: Honey, I don’t think we should ever separate.

Wife: I find that both an agreeable and wise decision.

BOOM. Amicable.

But how about this:

Me: Honey, I’m thinking we should separate, but let’s keep it amicable.

Wife: If by amicable you mean I announce that I’m finally separating from my premature ejaculating husband on every social networking site I frequent, then amicable separation it is!

Seeeeee????

 

will arnett amy poehler gap ad Amy Poehler & Will Arnett To Separate Leaving Us To Question Everything Ever!

Look, I’m a guy for chrissake, so I really shouldn’t care about this celebrity couple crap, right?!  But as corny and pathetic as it sounds, I’m a little bummed about this.  Are you? I always thought that this famous coupling was “safe” for some reason.  That is completely foolish and short-sighted of me, I realize. People stay as much as they leave, famous or not.  But did you see this coming?  Does it bum you out at all?

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About Justin

Justin lives in Kentucky, is crazy about his wife and daughter, and wrote this short bio while Get Off Of My Cloud streamed from a laptop two workstations down from his.

Filed Under: Brangelina, Celeb Couple Watch, Celebrities, Celebrity Breakups, Celebrity Divorces, Celebrity Parents, Comedy, Comics, Current Events, Gossip, Pop Culture, Relationships and Sex, Signs Of The Apocalypse Tagged With: , , ,


From Our Partners

  • http://twitter.com/DanielleTodd DanielleTodd

    More proof that love is dead. I’m totally bummed. Celebrities or not, it always make me sad when I hear about couples breaking up.They seemed to be such a great pair.

  • http://www.amalah.com Amalah

    This is horrible. HORRIBLE. And makes me scour the Internet for proof that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are still okay.

    • http://twitter.com/happyphantom Krispy McGrumpypants

      No, no. Don’t say that. They will always be together no matter what la la la.

    • die Frau

      You shut your filthy mouth, madam. Whew, sorry about that. Because if they ever separate, I will not be able to handle it, obviously.

      • die Frau

        Edited to add I do not think you have a filthy mouth. You just hit a Hollywood nerve.

        • Snarky_Amber

          Oh, no, Amy definitely has a filthy mouth. It’s one of the many things I love about her!

  • http://twitter.com/krysta221 Krysta

    This totally ruined my weekend.

  • Snarky_Amber

    Yeah, usually I’m like, “eh, whatever” about celebrity break-ups, but these two were supposed to grow old and hilarious together in a most Jerry-Stiller-and-Anne-Meara fashion. This is unacceptable. If it’s “amicable,” go to therapy and work it out! For the kids! (By the kids I mean me, okay? Do it for me.)

  • Siobhan

    This just breaks me heart. They were like the Barack and Michelle of comedy! So adorable together and always looked so in love. For some reason I’m really worried that he cheated on her with Christina Applegate. That better not be true. I adore Will Arnett and if it comes out that he cheated I will be more devastated than I have any right to be.

    • Snarky_Amber

      There was a blind item about this last week that was pretty easy to figure out (but I was in denial until yesterday when it was confirmed). The now very reliable bearer of news from last week said there’s no third party involved. And that’s good – if it were an affair with Christina Applegate, that’d be two marriages ruined.

      • Siobhan

        That’s good to hear. I love him and Christina on Up All Night and they have great chemistry which is why she came to mind. Still clinging to hope that they can work it out.

  • MancrushonBill

    As Republicans have predicted it, this might be after all the beginning of the Armageddon…

  • http://www.sweetney.com Sweetney

    Worstest thing EVAR.

  • http://twitter.com/NutHouseShannon NutHouseShannon

    Well, poo. If these two crazy kids can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

  • Linda

    I am bummed about this but not totally suprised. I remember seeing them being interviewed on the red carpet (I think it was the Emmys) and they did not seem happy together. Just a vibe I got.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amy-Corlett/1097844595 Amy Corlett

    I actually emitted a moan – out loud – on the eliptical at the gym when I read the closed captioning on GMA today. Really sad.

  • DianaCLT

    >>we won’t be surprised because we all know that much pretty can’t
    cohabitate for too many years without finally combusting into a flaming
    stew of perfect skin, swimmer’s builds, and square jawlines.” MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • SuzyQuzey

    I has a sad about this, and I am also giving Amalah the stink-eye for daring to mention Rita and Tom in the midst of this news. Rita + Tom = 4evah!

  • Kristen

    Did not see this coming and was totally bummed. I’m torn between who to blame, but I secretly hope its not Will. For the Final Countdowns sake.

  • Sonia

    Totally. Bums. Me. Out. No kidding, I did tear up a bit when I saw this story.

  • http://twitter.com/souphead Suz

    devastating. you know, as far as celebrity breaks up go. i’m not going to cry into a pint of ben & jerry’s or anything, but i’m more saddened than i think is reasonable for the break up of a couple i don’t know personally.
    PS: Amalah – WTH!? *tom & rita for-eva*

  • RayPrice

    “If Brangelina suddenly dissolves…”
    …then I hope “their” kids they adopted from 3rd world cess pools get deported.

    • Lena

      Why is their in quotations? Those are their children regardless of where and from who they were born of.

  • Gina

    sad, but not surprised. When both people are celebrities, the popularity of one “star” over the other usually breaks up a marriage. Especially if the wife is the bigger “star”. Amy has become pretty popular these days…..